With pa at home

I was alone with pa at home that night. We were meeting a lawyer - Vin's ex -schoolmate, settling for mum's belongings.

We were discussing at the living hall, talking about a lot of things... Finally pa voiced out about Ms. K's presence. He asked me about my opinion about their relationship.

At that moment, I have had told him frankly that I don't like it. I told him that I feel disappointed with him on what he had done to me and how he had handled the whole situation was ridiculous. I cried out. I told everything that had bottled up in my heart all this while. I told him that I am not accepting their relationship and the way he makes her presence felt was so hurt to me. I confronted him why he wanted to make everyone feels her presence, why he would wanted to bring her along to any family occasion and relatives' dinner. I made known to him that I hate the way how he had manage the whole situation. I blamed him on making me feel hurtful, making me feel embarrassed in front of closed friends and making me feel disrespect as a daughter. He is not putting his shoes on mind, he is not trying to understand my feeling...

I was so harsh that evening. I have make myself clear that I couldn't accept their relationship now. And I have made known to pa, that please do not try to do funny things in front of me again like bringing this Ms K along to wherever the family gathering or whatsoever with my presence. I told me that I will need to to heal as well to accept. I even told pa that I regretted so much on my decision to go back Guangzhou with him. I even told him that I am thinking of forgo the flight tickets and stay back in KL. I would rather waste off the money than putting myself in such a difficult situation, not knowing how sad and painful it would be in the few days trip.

Pa was so shock knowing my intention. Pa was tearing listening to me. Now, only he knew how painful he had made me. He apologized and he asked for forgiveness. He is giving me time to accept and he promised that he would not force me or trying to be pushy anymore. He knew that his aggressiveness had me build up a wall between us. He is sorry and he hugged me... He promised that he would ask my opinion in future, if to bring Ms K along in any occasion with my presence. He would not put me in the embarrassment and he said sorry again...

I do not know, if my confession is painful to pa... But i feel a lot more lighter now. As least, I have no more nightmares about this lady anymore. I am not dreaming on how she breaks my family anymore.

This confession maybe painful to pa, I am sorry. But dad, I need more time...

why so...?

A week past and Vin is coming back today. He just smsed telling that he is boarding on plane at 0845. Calculating on the time and flight should be arriving KLIA at 4pm.

I was awake early this morning, over heard pa leaving the house at 645am. I woke up and realized he went back with his belongings dy. The mattresses were folded back and the bed sheets were taken off. His toiletries was all taken back. For the past one week, pa was here at night accompanying me. Sad to say, he was here everyday with Ms. K without failed. On the first two nights, he still called and asked me about dinner together. Ms. K even cooked a dinner at home and bring it over to eat together on Tuesday night. After that night, I was telling pa that I can settled dinner myself and let them settled themselves as well. I think he knew what I meant. I don't like to have Ms. K over.

I know pa has got a lil' angry with me on my attitude towards Ms. K. I always keep myself alone in the room whenever they arrived. I sensed it, pa is coming over is just because he had promised Vin that... I just don't know why... If he knows that I am having this reaction, why can't he just comes alone. Why must he tagging along with the lady? I know, I know Ms. K is taking good care of pa, but... that is their problem. She takes good care of him, doesn't mean that I have to accept her as part of my family. She is no one to me, she is just a stranger that I always tell myself to keep a distance of.

Even so, Ms. K is trying to be nice and understanding. I could sensed that she is trying to be nice with me. But I am so sorry that I couldn't accept you at this moment. Mummy is still so fresh in my mind. Mummy is still part of my life at this point of time. I still think, how good it would be if she is still around during Vin's this business trip... I would be able to go home having mummy's home cooked food.

Now, I started to regret. Regretting of going back to Guangzhou with pa during this coming CNY. Pa is bringing Ms. K along as well... and I can foresee how painful my trip would be... I just don't understand, why I never see pa was doing this good to ma before?

I am feeling hurtful

A feeling of loneliness in my last post... was happened on the day I first met her. My first impression I had on her during the unexpected met up was "You better stay away and don't try to get closer with me." I was back home for the ghost month prayers for mummy actually that night. Vin was not with me as he has to stay back at home to accompany my mum-in-law. I was alone waiting at Taynton, waiting for pa to come home and we'll go for the prayers together. Never did I expected, he was coming back with a lady. She is the so-called gf, Ms. K. During the night of prayers, I was all alone sitting at a side, pretending that I didn't see them and I was pretending so busy with my phone... where at that moment, my mind was totally blank and my heart was aching painfully. I was holding back my tears so painfully carrying mummy's altar with me following those elders for the prayers. Although pa was following me, I see eye contact of him with Ms. K was so irritating. I hate him...

Later that night, Vin came and fetch me home. He sensed something was wrong and he knew I was struggling with my emotions whole night. Inside the car, I was so quiet... my tears dropped. Back home, I straightaway run in to the bathroom and had a long cold shower. I went up to bed alone after that. Vin came up soon later, he was like knowing that I am deeply hurt. He held me back, cuddled me and I cried. I was so sad, I was so hurt and I am not believing this had happened. My pa, a loving husband and a responsible father I had all these years... he had ruined his good reputation all this while tonight. Mum have not even left us for a year, my pa is getting a new gf. I hate him and hate him.

Mid-autumn festival was the second time we met. Pa called me early in the morning, asking me back home for dinner. He said Ms. K will be preparing the dinner at home. Reluctantly, I went home with Vin. I went home much earlier, I do not want my mum's kitchen to be conquered by another women. I wanted to let her know, although mum is not around, the lady of the house is still around, that is me. I prepared most of the things and making her knows that she is only a guest of the night.

Mummy's anniversary was on the 9th Oct, am glad that pa still remembered that and he called to arrange the prayers at Nirvana. He brought some flowers and fruits, telling that it was bought by Ms. K for mummy. I know he is trying to tie us closer, but the more he does, the hatred I feel. I seldom going back home nowadays after knowing the existence of Ms. K. On and off, when I drop by Taynton, she is there at home with pa. This makes me feel uncomfortable going home, to the extend I am scared to meet them at home...

This few days, Vin is away to Beijing for a business trip. Vin will be coming back in a week, he told pa and asked him to stay over just to accompany me. At first, when he suggested this, I was reluctant and disagree. But to make him feel more relieve and not to worry so much of me, I give in. Pa came with Ms. K every night. They stay over together. I feel so uneasy with their presence at home. When they are at the living hall, I went up in my room. I watch movie myself alone. I have so limited communications with them, making myself a stranger even to pa. Today, is only the second day... Am struggling and how I am gonna go through the whole week...

A feeling of lonely

Thanks all...

Never did I thought of, that there are lots of people out there are actually taking care and observing silently over my day to day agenda... :)

After the last post, I received concerns over via the pages, via SMSes and some even called to check if I am alright. Thanks, guys... to whom they know who they are, I appreciate your concerns and I am fine. Life still carry on, I am still the usual me...

After 7 months long... I still tear when I'm back

I have not been coming back here for quite some time. I have always wanted to update my blog, and yet... it was always a thought that kept in mind but didn't realized till today.

Do not know why, i feel a lil' scare to come back here, I am afraid of reading back my posts, some time back... The posts that I have written on mummy's progress is actually sunken me down still, my tears would drops uncontrollably every time when i read it back. I was alone again at home last night, reading some of the blogs that i used to read... it reminds me of mine actually. Once again, I went through my posts and I cried. I still misses mummy so much... I have never thought that she would leave me so soon.

Well, incident had happened, that was past. So many people had open up their eyes, not believing the "me" today, had grown up, independently and maturely handling all craps that happened.

On the bright side, me too feel, I'm grown up. Along this MIA of time, I have went through a lot. Since mummy passed away, I am busy like bee. We had started our new house renovation soon after settled mummy's funeral. It seems, Vin wanna keep me busy and hope that would minimize my lonely time thinking of mum. We have been terribly tensed up during our reno period, as we wanted everything to settle by CNY 2010. Both of us were working non stop over the clock. We were chasing with time every weekends, and even every evening after work. Luckily, things were really as smooth as we hoped, we managed to move in on the eve of CNY 2010.

Soon after we moved in, we planned on our wedding ceremony. During the process, there were hiccups and disagreements... that's really made me think through how important mummy's role in life. I had always tell, i am so regret that mummy is not around me at that point of time. But fortunately, I have a very understanding and a caring hubby by my side. He is a bonus to me, he seems to understand my situation, he was so sweet that he would always make a step behind to compromise.

My wedding on the 23 May 2010 at The Golden Dragonboat was a successful event, I would say. Lots of invitees had opened up their eyes. Relatives compliments and they changed their perception that I am no longer the daddy's girl. Both Vin and myself had managed the 75 tables of events very well. The programs of the night run smoothly as per scheduled. Thanked to all the best men and bridesmaid of their hard work and commitment for the whole day and night.

Then, Vin and I had a short trip to Avilion PD soon after the wedding. We spent a 4D3N relaxing trip romantically. After the trip, I have got back to work as usual and the norm carry on. One thing different, is that both of us feel, we are so free nowadays. Maybe due to we had a hard time for the past one year, ever since mummy diagnosed with the sickness till she passed away, we continued with the house reno and wedding planning that ended all in May... an exactly "eventful" year.

I am married today. I am staying with my hubby at our lil' cosy love nest. Learning how to become an understanding wife, a responsible daughter and a patience daughter-in-law. Not to say that I am not having a good relationship with my "new" family members, but this is the way of life, I assume. I learn cooking, I learning taking care of the house chores of two houses, I learn to boil soup for both my men and I learn daughter-in-law-ing.

Till date, I enjoy what I am doing now. Although, my hubby is always late from work and I have to be at home alone... I learn to accept and be patience.

Everyone has left the office now. I am alone again, waiting for Vin to leave his office. Raining outside and I can see the traffic is terrible. Am thinking, what's for dinner tonight?

Hmmm...

Helpless me

"Remember when we were 5-6 years old, when we were sick and vomited and all we can do is just stood there and cry for mummy? I’m in this situation today. I was walking to my room, suddenly I vomited uncontrollably and dirtied the whole floor. I feel very helpless at that moment. Besides keep calling for mummy, I really dunno what to do. Another 11 times of radiotherapy and 2 times of chemotherapy to go. For the next 2 weeks, I will be in such terrible condition.

My gums are very swollen and painful. Starting from today, I couldn’t brush my teeth anymore. And I lose more weight. Another 1kg gone. My wound is inflamed and infected. I stay back in the hospital after I finished my radiotherapy to wash my wound.

Mothers, they are just so great aren’t they? Whenever you feel pain, sorrow, mum will always be the one there for you. I want to be a mum too. After this cancer thing, it makes me realise, a girl no matter how still need a family, need a husband to protect and love her. This is where she truly belongs. So what if I will become a rich successful career woman one day? When I go home, I will still feel my life very empty.

I want to get married, be a housewife and have children. Being able to wake up by his side every morning is a blessing to me. Cook a simple american breakfast for my husband and my children then send them off to school. Happiness is just that simple.

Cancer is actually nothing. But the process of overcoming cancer is very suffering. Treasure your health and protect people around you. There was a new patient last week for chemotherapy. A young malay man around 28-29 years old I think. He’s married with a small child. He got nose cancer and the reason he got cancer is he smokes 2 big packs of cigarretes a day since his early teenage years. Value your life people! I dont understand why human are so stubborn. They know smoking, drinking, eat fastfood will cause cancer and yet they still continue doing it. When will people learn to love themselves I wonder?"

I got this article from one of the blog I read. She herself a cancer victim and she survived for more than 2 years now. Such a brave and tough girl I have in thought, she is...

I post this writing here... just because i feel so helpless now. But all I can do now, is just to cry to myself silently while typing this. How I wish mummy is here, by my side... so that I can tell her how sad I am now and how fear I am now. I really know, I really learnt... being a mummy of mine, she was so great. No matter how sorrow the situations she had faced, she was calm and steady. Not like me now, I just know how to tears... trying to hide and avoid.