it was just too sudden...

5 Oct 2009, 8am

Mummy supposedly going back to hospital for the 5th cycle of chemotherapy today. I sat at the dining table with her for the early breakfast. Aunty made ma some noodles, but she couldn't finish it as we can she she has no appetite that morning. Out of a sudden, I noticed her head yellowish under the light. Pa and aunty noticed that too...

Mummy was weak that morning, she looked very sleepy and tired. On the way to hospital, she laid herself down on the car seat and slept. Pa and I knew, there must be something wrong with her. We brought her to the Day Care Ward, nurses and doctors saw mummy and asked why she looked that weak... Only then I pulled down mummy's scarf, and I said, "Her head turn yellowish this morning. Is this shows something wrong?" The doctor got shocked and commented that this shouldn't be happened to jaundice as the chemo drugs that they are using has least infections towards the liver. They took mummy's blood for a test and while we were still waiting, mummy woke up and said she wanted some hot milo. I made her a cup of hot milo with a small lil' fruit tart. Around noon time, the blood test result shows that she was with the jaundice problem that she has to be admitted immediately. We sent her back to Ward 3B where she just got discharged from, the previous week on Wednesday. We couldn't get the single room of Room 27 that day, as all beds are full and had been utilized for most patients. Mummy were sent to a 4 bedded room with 2 Malay patients.

Mummy continued to sleep after she warded, Pa and I told her that we are going out for late lunch. She is still conscious and she said ok. We had a real quick lunch that day and rushed back. Pa went out to settle some of his work stuffs, I stayed on mummy's bed side to accompany her. I fed her with some hot milo after that. On and off, I gave her some sips of warm water. Suddenly, she woke up and said she wanted to go toilet, but by then, she is just so weak to stand and walk. I helped her to wake up, holding her body to stand. She couldn't wait and urinated with her pants on. I knew she felt bad... I knew she felt ashamed. I told, "No worry, mummy. I'll help you. No problem at all, mummy. I will change your pants for you." My tears dropped as I said... I knew this is not a good indication. I faster helped her walked to the bathroom, made her sat on the toilet seat and changed her pants. She was shivering there, she was already blurred minded that moment. I knew, cos as I said to her, she responded slow to me and sometimes she seemed couldn't got my say. After cleaning, I helped her to walk back to the bed and she continued sleeping.

Pa came back soon after that. Nurses came and pushed her with wheels chair to do ultrasound on her abdoment. She was so stressful and mummy did not allowed the medical officers to do the scanning. She moved, she pushed away their hands and she tried to wake up. Doctor asked us to go in to calm her down. We went in, we comforted her and accompanied her by her side while doctors doing the ultrasound. After finished, mummy trying to push her pants down. I know she wanted to urine again. I faster looked for the potty but couldn't find one at that Ultrasound room. We couldn't find any nurses to help, pa got frustrated, and told mummy, "Never mind, we will clean for you later. Just urines with the pants on..."

We pushed her back to the Ward after that, we cleaned her and let her rest on the bed. Soon after that, nurses came in again, and said wanna bring her down for X-ray. I was so pissed off... "Why just now go down didn't do it altogether? How can she be moved here and moved there? She is so so tired and restless..." The nurses also dunno how to answer and ask if mummy able to step down to the wheels chair again. I pissed off for the 2nd time, "How do you expect she to move down to the wheels chair now? Can't you all send her down by bed?" They know I am so pissed off and they agreed to moved her down by bed. At the X-ray room again, mummy did not c0orporate with the officers.

Once after the X-ray done, we faster went in to the room to accompany her. As expected, mummy had sat up on the bed wanted to come down by force. We did not know what she wants, we asked her... she did not reply, she only trying to come down by force. I know this shows she wanted to urine again. Pa faster went out and looked potty again. But she behaved so childishly, she wanted to come down even she knows she couldn't. I tried to make her understand, she did not get me. "Mummy, please don't like that. Mummy, you wait for a while. You stands it for a while." She couldn't understands me. I was so pain looking at her. I pushed her bed, she seemed to know that the bed is moving. She stopped. I continues to push the bed out, a nurse came and helped. She sat still on the bed. I hold her hand while I pushed. She became calmer then and once we reached the Ward, I faster helped her with the potty on bed.

We accompanied her at her bed side till the late evening. Vin came, followed by Aunty and Sis Fong. I told Sis that mummy's condition was bad... and this would not be easy this time. Her liver is malfunction as confirmed by doctor. I cried and I was worry. Pa went home for shower and he returned soon after that. As usual, Pa stayed overnight at the hospital to take care of mummy. We went home at about 11pm. I was tired but I couldn't sleep well.

6 Oct 2009, 9am.

I told pa last night that I will not going back to office today. I will go to see Dr. Nal for the MC. I reached the clinic half past 9am. I went in, and he asked, "Hi Ms. Lee, how can I help you? What happened to you this time?"... I sat in front of him, telling him I had gastric and shoulder pain. He asked again, "Is it pain or you feel bloated?" "Pain", I said. "You are so stressed, I can see. Tell me, what happened... Stress from work?" I shook my head... "Relationship?" I shook again. My eyes started to tear and I told him mum is in the hospital now. He got shocked and pulled his chair near me. Holding my hands, he asked me what happened. I know I was shivering that moment... I cried. I told him the whole story. He told me not to be sad and sent his regards to pa and ma. He asked me to call him of we needed any helps. He gave me 3 days of MC, knowing that I am the only child that I have to take care of mummy. I left the clinic and straightaway headed to hospital.

I reached hospital around 10am plus, i saw pa talking on the phone and he looked not right and Ma still sleeping. I went in the room, saw daddy's recorded down mummy's time of urines... almost every hour once. I knew, pa had not sleep for the whole night. Mummy got transfused with 2 pints of blood. Midnight one pint and when I was there, still half pint being tranfusing. I know pa looking at mummy tiring and worrying. Mummy did open her eyes once a while. I did fed her water and she still knows and responded. Due to mummy's respond seemed slow, doctor had schedule her to do the CT brain and Friday for CT scan on her abdonimal. Not long after that, nurses came and pushed her to the X-ray centre for CT brain. Mummy still couldn't let her mind rest, she tried to pull off all the wire that sticks on her head. She moved her body and so on. Those doctors gave up that she couldn't be scanned with her restless and anxiety conditions. Mummy being pushed up to the Ward again.

By noon, Vin bought us 2 packets of chicken rice each. Pa and I ate and Vin eat the porridge provided by hospital. Doctors rounding came right after our lunch. They suggested to give mummy an injection to let her sleeps for few hours in order to get the CT brain later in the evening. However, they will decide later once discussed with the specialist. They left without giving any confirmed answer... Pa asked the nurses again whether the single room (Room 27) is available now... They said yes and mummy can be transfered in once the room is cleaned. Vin and I quickly packed up and get ready. Once we transfered in to the single room, we can see mummy rest more comfortably there. We let her sleeps. Doctors and nurses came by also did not disturb her. They just talked with Pa and I at the foyer. They told us, they decided not to give her the injections as this will only worsen the liver problem. They will let her sleeps and calm down by herself so that she be able to has her mind not to get too excited.

I got home around 5pm. Had arranged with Aunty Moy that she wanted to visit mummy to wait at home. I showered and had maggi. Aunty packed and she is staying overnight with pa to look after mummy. We went back to the hospital again around 7pm. Vin was there and we asked pa to go home for a shower. Since both aunties were there, I asked pa not to hurry. Mummy did not wakes up. But she knows how to drink when we fed her. Meaning, she still response to us. When comes to urine, mummy did not showed anymore signs to us. We kept on changing her pants and the mini bed sheet for her almost every hour. Pa came back around 1030pm. We stayed for a while and left. I left my car in the hospital. Vin and I sent Aunty Moy home first. We reached home almost at 1am.

7 Oct 2009, 8:45am

Vin sent me to hospital early in the morning. I reached there, Aunty and Pa looked tired. I asked how was mummy last night. They told me, mummy cried for pain last night around 4am. Doctor injected her with some pain killers, only manahed to cool her down after 1 1/2 hour later. She sleeps from then till the time I reached, she never wakes up. When we fed her water also she did not swallowed this time. Aunty kept complaining that she felt so heart sick looking at mummy's condition. The way she behaved even made everyone sick and moody. She complaint to Sis Fong and Uncle Cheah. We have had no choice and do not want to wait anymore. Pa and I went down to look for Ms. Rohana. Unfortunately, she was in operation theater. Pa called to her mobile later, answered by her assistance. He left a message to her and requested her to return call. Ms. Rohana called back in a while and she promised that she will be visiting mummy soon.

Ms Rohana dropped by after about half an hour later. She called mummy but no response. Looking at mummy's condition she explained to us that they can do nothing but to depend on herself to let the liver return to its normal functionality. They can only help to drip in more fluids and antibiotics to help the liver flush out the toxic on its own. From the ultrasound and X-ray, she mentioned that no cancer cells has been spreading so far. So, it is not due to the cancer spreading. It is all because of the complication from the chemotherapy that effected to her liver failure. She explained, she will needs time to recover once the problem occurs in the liver. her tiredness and sleeping was due to the failure of the liver too.

Then I requested if they can arrange the CT brain and CT scan to be done soonest possible. She promised that she would try her best to arrange for that. Pa left for a while to settle some of his work. As promised, Ms Rohana managed to arrange for the CT brain. Mummy being pushed in for it while aunty and I waited outside. She kept on complaining that she did not sleeps for the whole night... she was having headache, she felt drowziness and so on. I was so sick to listen to all her complaints. I just kept quiet. I have had warned her at first before she insisted to stay overnight. I told her that she will not have the chance to sleep in hospital. Now, she complained and complained.

Mummy did not opened her eyes anymore. Pa came back around 3pm. I sent Aunty home after that. I have got myself prepared that I will be satying in the hospital that night to accompany pa to look after mummy. I know, to handle mummy alone is not easy for pa. Vin knocked off early and got home. I have packed my things and head back to hospital again. We packed some dinner to had it together with pa in the hospital. After that, we asked him to go home for shower. Bro Wei came after that. I knew, he got suprised to see mummy in such condition. He cried silently when I told mummy that Bro Wei was here to see her.

As usual, mummy urines and I need to clean and rub for her. I couldn't manage her by myself. I have no choice but to asked for Vin's help. Later then, Bro Wei helped too. Just after we finished on the cleaning, mummy urines again and again. She continues urines and wet, we continues cleaned and rubbed her almost every half an hour to 45minutes. Bro Wei and Vin advised me to let mummy had the pampers on instead of changing every half an hour. I said I dont want her to get soaked and it would cause bed sore sooner. Then they said, just to laid that on and not to stick it, that would not soaked. I requested for a pamper and I cut it nicely so that the corner part would not scracthes mummy's skin. Bro Wei left before daddy came back. Pa looked worried, I know. I told him I will go back to office tommorrow morning from hospital, Vin would be coming over to send me work.

Since then, Pa asked if Vin could be able to stay there as well. As looking at mummy's conditions she is not very well. Vin went home and packed some of his stuffs and returned at about 1am.

8 Oct 2009, 1am

Mummy breather seemed started to be difficult and hard. She was breathing using the mouth instead of the nose. We can see, she was having difficulty on breathing and we requested for the oxygen assistance from the doctor. I had a short nap while Pa and Vin monitoring mummy. I woke up at 3:30 am. Vin had a worried face. He suggested to fetch Aunty over to hospital just to standby. That time, I had myself prepared that something worst will gonna be happened soon. I know, mummy was trying hard now. I walked out from the room for a breather. I sat alone outside the ward. I cried to myself that I do not hope it would happen that soon. I am not ready to have no mummy around.

Pa came out and sat together with me. He told me to be strong. He said we need to have preparation now. We would need what to do next if something really happpens. We discussed and agreed upon ourselves. We went in to room. Vin said it would be better he go back now and to fetch Aunty here. I have told Pa that I would need to inform Uncles and Sis Fong they all once morning. Vin left hospital at around 5am, while Pa and I monitoring mummy in the hospital. They returned to hospital at around 6am plus. I had informed Sis Fong and asked to come over immediately. She reached around 7am plus. We all know, mummy's condition is not good now. Aunty began to call to uncles and Sis Fong informing Bro Wei to be over.

Once the sun rose, doctors came and nurses attended. Medical officers dropped by, officers from ICU visited. We were been informed that mummy needed to be transfered to ICU immediatly as she was so ill and she needs more supportive system to support her. Doctor told us, that she is now so ill, they would do their best but hope we could understand that they would only able to perform their very best. We know, they are hinting to us... that to get ourselves prepared for the worst... My heart dropped. My heart was so pain... I cried.

There were so many doctors and medical officers inside mummy's room now. They were getting mummy prepared to be transfered in to ICU. When she being pushed out from the room, I saw a lots of tubes have been inserted... and I saw a tube with black color fluid coming out from mummy's body. I asked, "What is this? Why it is like this color?" One of the nurses answered, "This is the urine... Looking at the color, your mum might has internal bleeding..." My heart sunken deeper now. I told myself while pushing mummy's bed, "You gotto be strong. You gotto let mummy know that you will know how to take care of yourself, you must not let her worry about you anymore..."

We waited outside at the waiting room while the doctors got mummy ready and have all the system set-up inside the ICU. Visitors are restricted only during the visitors hour and only 2 persons at one time. We waited for about 1 1/2 hours, it came to 12pm. I went to the entrance and press on the bell... I requested to go in as mummy's family member. They allowed us, but to see the doctor first. Pa, Vin, Sis Fong and I went in. The specialist-in-charge came over to see us, explained that mummy's condition is critical. All that they can do now is just to support her with the equipments... Mummy liver failed, internal bleeding on the stomach and the heart weakened. She got Pa and I signed various of forms... consent form that we acknowledged we were aware of any worst consequences to be happened. Then, she leaded us to mummy's bed.

I cried uncontrollaby looking at mummy being put in lots of tubes here and there and there were lots of monitors monitoring her. Heart beat was slow, blood pressure was low, she was yellowed and bloated. I called her, she was not responding... but i saw her weeps... My heart was so pain... Later then, uncle and aunty came in one by one. Doctors requested for our contact numbers so that they will call us just in case any changes on mummy. We left hospital after 2pm, we had quick lunch and back home for a rest. I woke up again at 5pm, showered and be prepared to head back to hospital with Pa, Vin and aunty. Mummy had not much improvement. Doctors tried to let us understand that they are doing their best. We just have to be prepared. We left and our dinner was tasteless... Every's strangers phone calls made me scared and worried. We slept early that night, as if we know we will had a tiring days tomorrow.

9 Oct 2009, 8am

We woke up early in the morning thinking of to source for some contacts for the worst preparation. We had our breakfast at Taman Desa and thought of heading to KL first. Right after Vin started the car engine, Pa got a call from hospital asking us to rush over immediatly. We knew, this will be the last... I called Sis Fong immediatly, told her to pick up aunty from home. Contacted Bro Wei that hospital called. We reached the 10 minutes before 10am. I walked so fast that I was so hurry and worried. Vin pull me back, tried to slow me down. He knew that I was panic that moment. He held my held tightly all the way to ICU. Once we reached, I saw inside mummy's room has a lot of nurses and doctors. The curtain was closed. I heard a lot of the beeping sound form the monitors. I was so scared, I was shivering.

A doctor came out and told us, mummy's heart beat had stopped once and they are doing the CPR to help her recover the beats. She may leave anytime and told us to be around. Pa had a last request that while mummy;s heart still beating, do let us to go in to have our last word to her. She at first refused as this is breaking the law. They would have to continue to do the CPR until the last breath not even to stop for a second. But they know and they understand, they excused themselves for few seconds. They let us go in, mummy blood pressure was at 24/10 that moment. I couldn't hold my tears... Vin hugged me tightly, Pa told mummy that he loves her... After that, the doctors and nurses came in again and continue their responsibilty.

They stopped and came out about 15 minutes later, and calmly they told us mummy had her last breath at 10.18am. I listened to them calmly this time but my tears dropped. They allowed us to go in to see her for the last chance... I went in, I hugged mummy tightly and I cried. She left me without a word to me... She left me before seeing me got married customarily. She left before getting in to my new house. She left with no goodbye to me...