Helpless me

"Remember when we were 5-6 years old, when we were sick and vomited and all we can do is just stood there and cry for mummy? I’m in this situation today. I was walking to my room, suddenly I vomited uncontrollably and dirtied the whole floor. I feel very helpless at that moment. Besides keep calling for mummy, I really dunno what to do. Another 11 times of radiotherapy and 2 times of chemotherapy to go. For the next 2 weeks, I will be in such terrible condition.

My gums are very swollen and painful. Starting from today, I couldn’t brush my teeth anymore. And I lose more weight. Another 1kg gone. My wound is inflamed and infected. I stay back in the hospital after I finished my radiotherapy to wash my wound.

Mothers, they are just so great aren’t they? Whenever you feel pain, sorrow, mum will always be the one there for you. I want to be a mum too. After this cancer thing, it makes me realise, a girl no matter how still need a family, need a husband to protect and love her. This is where she truly belongs. So what if I will become a rich successful career woman one day? When I go home, I will still feel my life very empty.

I want to get married, be a housewife and have children. Being able to wake up by his side every morning is a blessing to me. Cook a simple american breakfast for my husband and my children then send them off to school. Happiness is just that simple.

Cancer is actually nothing. But the process of overcoming cancer is very suffering. Treasure your health and protect people around you. There was a new patient last week for chemotherapy. A young malay man around 28-29 years old I think. He’s married with a small child. He got nose cancer and the reason he got cancer is he smokes 2 big packs of cigarretes a day since his early teenage years. Value your life people! I dont understand why human are so stubborn. They know smoking, drinking, eat fastfood will cause cancer and yet they still continue doing it. When will people learn to love themselves I wonder?"

I got this article from one of the blog I read. She herself a cancer victim and she survived for more than 2 years now. Such a brave and tough girl I have in thought, she is...

I post this writing here... just because i feel so helpless now. But all I can do now, is just to cry to myself silently while typing this. How I wish mummy is here, by my side... so that I can tell her how sad I am now and how fear I am now. I really know, I really learnt... being a mummy of mine, she was so great. No matter how sorrow the situations she had faced, she was calm and steady. Not like me now, I just know how to tears... trying to hide and avoid.