Helpless me

"Remember when we were 5-6 years old, when we were sick and vomited and all we can do is just stood there and cry for mummy? I’m in this situation today. I was walking to my room, suddenly I vomited uncontrollably and dirtied the whole floor. I feel very helpless at that moment. Besides keep calling for mummy, I really dunno what to do. Another 11 times of radiotherapy and 2 times of chemotherapy to go. For the next 2 weeks, I will be in such terrible condition.

My gums are very swollen and painful. Starting from today, I couldn’t brush my teeth anymore. And I lose more weight. Another 1kg gone. My wound is inflamed and infected. I stay back in the hospital after I finished my radiotherapy to wash my wound.

Mothers, they are just so great aren’t they? Whenever you feel pain, sorrow, mum will always be the one there for you. I want to be a mum too. After this cancer thing, it makes me realise, a girl no matter how still need a family, need a husband to protect and love her. This is where she truly belongs. So what if I will become a rich successful career woman one day? When I go home, I will still feel my life very empty.

I want to get married, be a housewife and have children. Being able to wake up by his side every morning is a blessing to me. Cook a simple american breakfast for my husband and my children then send them off to school. Happiness is just that simple.

Cancer is actually nothing. But the process of overcoming cancer is very suffering. Treasure your health and protect people around you. There was a new patient last week for chemotherapy. A young malay man around 28-29 years old I think. He’s married with a small child. He got nose cancer and the reason he got cancer is he smokes 2 big packs of cigarretes a day since his early teenage years. Value your life people! I dont understand why human are so stubborn. They know smoking, drinking, eat fastfood will cause cancer and yet they still continue doing it. When will people learn to love themselves I wonder?"

I got this article from one of the blog I read. She herself a cancer victim and she survived for more than 2 years now. Such a brave and tough girl I have in thought, she is...

I post this writing here... just because i feel so helpless now. But all I can do now, is just to cry to myself silently while typing this. How I wish mummy is here, by my side... so that I can tell her how sad I am now and how fear I am now. I really know, I really learnt... being a mummy of mine, she was so great. No matter how sorrow the situations she had faced, she was calm and steady. Not like me now, I just know how to tears... trying to hide and avoid.

I miss you...

... it has been almost a month since mummy left us. Everything is still so fresh in my mind. Everything just like had happened few days ago. People still calls and asks... My answer to all concerns was, "No worries, im okay", "No problem, i can manage..." It seems so easy for me to say so, I thought I am really okay, and I thought I can really handle...

Today, I am alone at home. I totally have nothing in mind on what to do. I supposed, I have enough time to prepare a simple dinner at home... I was hungry and I supposed to get some munch of biscuits while waiting... And yet, I did not do any of the "supposed". I do not know where my mind flew to... I do not know why I am sitting in front of my pc doing nothing... till my food cooked in cafe world got over-cooked a few rounds...

I took the lil' diary in front of me... I flipped through the pages, I saw mummy's car license and a photo of her slipped between the book cover. I looked at the picture, this faces is not the one I am thinking, is not the one I have in mind all this while. The one that I have in my thought, is the look that she was weak and she was thin. The one that she has loses all her hair, she was bald...

I began to get myself recall her faces when she was still healthy... when she was still energetic... It seems a lil' hard... a lil' difficult... I am afraid that one day, I couldn't remember her faces anymore. I am afraid that there will be a day, I need to look at the photos to help me recall...

I miss you, Mi...

it was just too sudden...

5 Oct 2009, 8am

Mummy supposedly going back to hospital for the 5th cycle of chemotherapy today. I sat at the dining table with her for the early breakfast. Aunty made ma some noodles, but she couldn't finish it as we can she she has no appetite that morning. Out of a sudden, I noticed her head yellowish under the light. Pa and aunty noticed that too...

Mummy was weak that morning, she looked very sleepy and tired. On the way to hospital, she laid herself down on the car seat and slept. Pa and I knew, there must be something wrong with her. We brought her to the Day Care Ward, nurses and doctors saw mummy and asked why she looked that weak... Only then I pulled down mummy's scarf, and I said, "Her head turn yellowish this morning. Is this shows something wrong?" The doctor got shocked and commented that this shouldn't be happened to jaundice as the chemo drugs that they are using has least infections towards the liver. They took mummy's blood for a test and while we were still waiting, mummy woke up and said she wanted some hot milo. I made her a cup of hot milo with a small lil' fruit tart. Around noon time, the blood test result shows that she was with the jaundice problem that she has to be admitted immediately. We sent her back to Ward 3B where she just got discharged from, the previous week on Wednesday. We couldn't get the single room of Room 27 that day, as all beds are full and had been utilized for most patients. Mummy were sent to a 4 bedded room with 2 Malay patients.

Mummy continued to sleep after she warded, Pa and I told her that we are going out for late lunch. She is still conscious and she said ok. We had a real quick lunch that day and rushed back. Pa went out to settle some of his work stuffs, I stayed on mummy's bed side to accompany her. I fed her with some hot milo after that. On and off, I gave her some sips of warm water. Suddenly, she woke up and said she wanted to go toilet, but by then, she is just so weak to stand and walk. I helped her to wake up, holding her body to stand. She couldn't wait and urinated with her pants on. I knew she felt bad... I knew she felt ashamed. I told, "No worry, mummy. I'll help you. No problem at all, mummy. I will change your pants for you." My tears dropped as I said... I knew this is not a good indication. I faster helped her walked to the bathroom, made her sat on the toilet seat and changed her pants. She was shivering there, she was already blurred minded that moment. I knew, cos as I said to her, she responded slow to me and sometimes she seemed couldn't got my say. After cleaning, I helped her to walk back to the bed and she continued sleeping.

Pa came back soon after that. Nurses came and pushed her with wheels chair to do ultrasound on her abdoment. She was so stressful and mummy did not allowed the medical officers to do the scanning. She moved, she pushed away their hands and she tried to wake up. Doctor asked us to go in to calm her down. We went in, we comforted her and accompanied her by her side while doctors doing the ultrasound. After finished, mummy trying to push her pants down. I know she wanted to urine again. I faster looked for the potty but couldn't find one at that Ultrasound room. We couldn't find any nurses to help, pa got frustrated, and told mummy, "Never mind, we will clean for you later. Just urines with the pants on..."

We pushed her back to the Ward after that, we cleaned her and let her rest on the bed. Soon after that, nurses came in again, and said wanna bring her down for X-ray. I was so pissed off... "Why just now go down didn't do it altogether? How can she be moved here and moved there? She is so so tired and restless..." The nurses also dunno how to answer and ask if mummy able to step down to the wheels chair again. I pissed off for the 2nd time, "How do you expect she to move down to the wheels chair now? Can't you all send her down by bed?" They know I am so pissed off and they agreed to moved her down by bed. At the X-ray room again, mummy did not c0orporate with the officers.

Once after the X-ray done, we faster went in to the room to accompany her. As expected, mummy had sat up on the bed wanted to come down by force. We did not know what she wants, we asked her... she did not reply, she only trying to come down by force. I know this shows she wanted to urine again. Pa faster went out and looked potty again. But she behaved so childishly, she wanted to come down even she knows she couldn't. I tried to make her understand, she did not get me. "Mummy, please don't like that. Mummy, you wait for a while. You stands it for a while." She couldn't understands me. I was so pain looking at her. I pushed her bed, she seemed to know that the bed is moving. She stopped. I continues to push the bed out, a nurse came and helped. She sat still on the bed. I hold her hand while I pushed. She became calmer then and once we reached the Ward, I faster helped her with the potty on bed.

We accompanied her at her bed side till the late evening. Vin came, followed by Aunty and Sis Fong. I told Sis that mummy's condition was bad... and this would not be easy this time. Her liver is malfunction as confirmed by doctor. I cried and I was worry. Pa went home for shower and he returned soon after that. As usual, Pa stayed overnight at the hospital to take care of mummy. We went home at about 11pm. I was tired but I couldn't sleep well.

6 Oct 2009, 9am.

I told pa last night that I will not going back to office today. I will go to see Dr. Nal for the MC. I reached the clinic half past 9am. I went in, and he asked, "Hi Ms. Lee, how can I help you? What happened to you this time?"... I sat in front of him, telling him I had gastric and shoulder pain. He asked again, "Is it pain or you feel bloated?" "Pain", I said. "You are so stressed, I can see. Tell me, what happened... Stress from work?" I shook my head... "Relationship?" I shook again. My eyes started to tear and I told him mum is in the hospital now. He got shocked and pulled his chair near me. Holding my hands, he asked me what happened. I know I was shivering that moment... I cried. I told him the whole story. He told me not to be sad and sent his regards to pa and ma. He asked me to call him of we needed any helps. He gave me 3 days of MC, knowing that I am the only child that I have to take care of mummy. I left the clinic and straightaway headed to hospital.

I reached hospital around 10am plus, i saw pa talking on the phone and he looked not right and Ma still sleeping. I went in the room, saw daddy's recorded down mummy's time of urines... almost every hour once. I knew, pa had not sleep for the whole night. Mummy got transfused with 2 pints of blood. Midnight one pint and when I was there, still half pint being tranfusing. I know pa looking at mummy tiring and worrying. Mummy did open her eyes once a while. I did fed her water and she still knows and responded. Due to mummy's respond seemed slow, doctor had schedule her to do the CT brain and Friday for CT scan on her abdonimal. Not long after that, nurses came and pushed her to the X-ray centre for CT brain. Mummy still couldn't let her mind rest, she tried to pull off all the wire that sticks on her head. She moved her body and so on. Those doctors gave up that she couldn't be scanned with her restless and anxiety conditions. Mummy being pushed up to the Ward again.

By noon, Vin bought us 2 packets of chicken rice each. Pa and I ate and Vin eat the porridge provided by hospital. Doctors rounding came right after our lunch. They suggested to give mummy an injection to let her sleeps for few hours in order to get the CT brain later in the evening. However, they will decide later once discussed with the specialist. They left without giving any confirmed answer... Pa asked the nurses again whether the single room (Room 27) is available now... They said yes and mummy can be transfered in once the room is cleaned. Vin and I quickly packed up and get ready. Once we transfered in to the single room, we can see mummy rest more comfortably there. We let her sleeps. Doctors and nurses came by also did not disturb her. They just talked with Pa and I at the foyer. They told us, they decided not to give her the injections as this will only worsen the liver problem. They will let her sleeps and calm down by herself so that she be able to has her mind not to get too excited.

I got home around 5pm. Had arranged with Aunty Moy that she wanted to visit mummy to wait at home. I showered and had maggi. Aunty packed and she is staying overnight with pa to look after mummy. We went back to the hospital again around 7pm. Vin was there and we asked pa to go home for a shower. Since both aunties were there, I asked pa not to hurry. Mummy did not wakes up. But she knows how to drink when we fed her. Meaning, she still response to us. When comes to urine, mummy did not showed anymore signs to us. We kept on changing her pants and the mini bed sheet for her almost every hour. Pa came back around 1030pm. We stayed for a while and left. I left my car in the hospital. Vin and I sent Aunty Moy home first. We reached home almost at 1am.

7 Oct 2009, 8:45am

Vin sent me to hospital early in the morning. I reached there, Aunty and Pa looked tired. I asked how was mummy last night. They told me, mummy cried for pain last night around 4am. Doctor injected her with some pain killers, only manahed to cool her down after 1 1/2 hour later. She sleeps from then till the time I reached, she never wakes up. When we fed her water also she did not swallowed this time. Aunty kept complaining that she felt so heart sick looking at mummy's condition. The way she behaved even made everyone sick and moody. She complaint to Sis Fong and Uncle Cheah. We have had no choice and do not want to wait anymore. Pa and I went down to look for Ms. Rohana. Unfortunately, she was in operation theater. Pa called to her mobile later, answered by her assistance. He left a message to her and requested her to return call. Ms. Rohana called back in a while and she promised that she will be visiting mummy soon.

Ms Rohana dropped by after about half an hour later. She called mummy but no response. Looking at mummy's condition she explained to us that they can do nothing but to depend on herself to let the liver return to its normal functionality. They can only help to drip in more fluids and antibiotics to help the liver flush out the toxic on its own. From the ultrasound and X-ray, she mentioned that no cancer cells has been spreading so far. So, it is not due to the cancer spreading. It is all because of the complication from the chemotherapy that effected to her liver failure. She explained, she will needs time to recover once the problem occurs in the liver. her tiredness and sleeping was due to the failure of the liver too.

Then I requested if they can arrange the CT brain and CT scan to be done soonest possible. She promised that she would try her best to arrange for that. Pa left for a while to settle some of his work. As promised, Ms Rohana managed to arrange for the CT brain. Mummy being pushed in for it while aunty and I waited outside. She kept on complaining that she did not sleeps for the whole night... she was having headache, she felt drowziness and so on. I was so sick to listen to all her complaints. I just kept quiet. I have had warned her at first before she insisted to stay overnight. I told her that she will not have the chance to sleep in hospital. Now, she complained and complained.

Mummy did not opened her eyes anymore. Pa came back around 3pm. I sent Aunty home after that. I have got myself prepared that I will be satying in the hospital that night to accompany pa to look after mummy. I know, to handle mummy alone is not easy for pa. Vin knocked off early and got home. I have packed my things and head back to hospital again. We packed some dinner to had it together with pa in the hospital. After that, we asked him to go home for shower. Bro Wei came after that. I knew, he got suprised to see mummy in such condition. He cried silently when I told mummy that Bro Wei was here to see her.

As usual, mummy urines and I need to clean and rub for her. I couldn't manage her by myself. I have no choice but to asked for Vin's help. Later then, Bro Wei helped too. Just after we finished on the cleaning, mummy urines again and again. She continues urines and wet, we continues cleaned and rubbed her almost every half an hour to 45minutes. Bro Wei and Vin advised me to let mummy had the pampers on instead of changing every half an hour. I said I dont want her to get soaked and it would cause bed sore sooner. Then they said, just to laid that on and not to stick it, that would not soaked. I requested for a pamper and I cut it nicely so that the corner part would not scracthes mummy's skin. Bro Wei left before daddy came back. Pa looked worried, I know. I told him I will go back to office tommorrow morning from hospital, Vin would be coming over to send me work.

Since then, Pa asked if Vin could be able to stay there as well. As looking at mummy's conditions she is not very well. Vin went home and packed some of his stuffs and returned at about 1am.

8 Oct 2009, 1am

Mummy breather seemed started to be difficult and hard. She was breathing using the mouth instead of the nose. We can see, she was having difficulty on breathing and we requested for the oxygen assistance from the doctor. I had a short nap while Pa and Vin monitoring mummy. I woke up at 3:30 am. Vin had a worried face. He suggested to fetch Aunty over to hospital just to standby. That time, I had myself prepared that something worst will gonna be happened soon. I know, mummy was trying hard now. I walked out from the room for a breather. I sat alone outside the ward. I cried to myself that I do not hope it would happen that soon. I am not ready to have no mummy around.

Pa came out and sat together with me. He told me to be strong. He said we need to have preparation now. We would need what to do next if something really happpens. We discussed and agreed upon ourselves. We went in to room. Vin said it would be better he go back now and to fetch Aunty here. I have told Pa that I would need to inform Uncles and Sis Fong they all once morning. Vin left hospital at around 5am, while Pa and I monitoring mummy in the hospital. They returned to hospital at around 6am plus. I had informed Sis Fong and asked to come over immediately. She reached around 7am plus. We all know, mummy's condition is not good now. Aunty began to call to uncles and Sis Fong informing Bro Wei to be over.

Once the sun rose, doctors came and nurses attended. Medical officers dropped by, officers from ICU visited. We were been informed that mummy needed to be transfered to ICU immediatly as she was so ill and she needs more supportive system to support her. Doctor told us, that she is now so ill, they would do their best but hope we could understand that they would only able to perform their very best. We know, they are hinting to us... that to get ourselves prepared for the worst... My heart dropped. My heart was so pain... I cried.

There were so many doctors and medical officers inside mummy's room now. They were getting mummy prepared to be transfered in to ICU. When she being pushed out from the room, I saw a lots of tubes have been inserted... and I saw a tube with black color fluid coming out from mummy's body. I asked, "What is this? Why it is like this color?" One of the nurses answered, "This is the urine... Looking at the color, your mum might has internal bleeding..." My heart sunken deeper now. I told myself while pushing mummy's bed, "You gotto be strong. You gotto let mummy know that you will know how to take care of yourself, you must not let her worry about you anymore..."

We waited outside at the waiting room while the doctors got mummy ready and have all the system set-up inside the ICU. Visitors are restricted only during the visitors hour and only 2 persons at one time. We waited for about 1 1/2 hours, it came to 12pm. I went to the entrance and press on the bell... I requested to go in as mummy's family member. They allowed us, but to see the doctor first. Pa, Vin, Sis Fong and I went in. The specialist-in-charge came over to see us, explained that mummy's condition is critical. All that they can do now is just to support her with the equipments... Mummy liver failed, internal bleeding on the stomach and the heart weakened. She got Pa and I signed various of forms... consent form that we acknowledged we were aware of any worst consequences to be happened. Then, she leaded us to mummy's bed.

I cried uncontrollaby looking at mummy being put in lots of tubes here and there and there were lots of monitors monitoring her. Heart beat was slow, blood pressure was low, she was yellowed and bloated. I called her, she was not responding... but i saw her weeps... My heart was so pain... Later then, uncle and aunty came in one by one. Doctors requested for our contact numbers so that they will call us just in case any changes on mummy. We left hospital after 2pm, we had quick lunch and back home for a rest. I woke up again at 5pm, showered and be prepared to head back to hospital with Pa, Vin and aunty. Mummy had not much improvement. Doctors tried to let us understand that they are doing their best. We just have to be prepared. We left and our dinner was tasteless... Every's strangers phone calls made me scared and worried. We slept early that night, as if we know we will had a tiring days tomorrow.

9 Oct 2009, 8am

We woke up early in the morning thinking of to source for some contacts for the worst preparation. We had our breakfast at Taman Desa and thought of heading to KL first. Right after Vin started the car engine, Pa got a call from hospital asking us to rush over immediatly. We knew, this will be the last... I called Sis Fong immediatly, told her to pick up aunty from home. Contacted Bro Wei that hospital called. We reached the 10 minutes before 10am. I walked so fast that I was so hurry and worried. Vin pull me back, tried to slow me down. He knew that I was panic that moment. He held my held tightly all the way to ICU. Once we reached, I saw inside mummy's room has a lot of nurses and doctors. The curtain was closed. I heard a lot of the beeping sound form the monitors. I was so scared, I was shivering.

A doctor came out and told us, mummy's heart beat had stopped once and they are doing the CPR to help her recover the beats. She may leave anytime and told us to be around. Pa had a last request that while mummy;s heart still beating, do let us to go in to have our last word to her. She at first refused as this is breaking the law. They would have to continue to do the CPR until the last breath not even to stop for a second. But they know and they understand, they excused themselves for few seconds. They let us go in, mummy blood pressure was at 24/10 that moment. I couldn't hold my tears... Vin hugged me tightly, Pa told mummy that he loves her... After that, the doctors and nurses came in again and continue their responsibilty.

They stopped and came out about 15 minutes later, and calmly they told us mummy had her last breath at 10.18am. I listened to them calmly this time but my tears dropped. They allowed us to go in to see her for the last chance... I went in, I hugged mummy tightly and I cried. She left me without a word to me... She left me before seeing me got married customarily. She left before getting in to my new house. She left with no goodbye to me...

20092009

Sunday, 20 Sept 2009, Buddhist Maha Vihara Temple - A venue that had mark a remarkable day in my life, another important date that have to be recorded in my history.

Vin and I had our registration of marriage today and witnessed by our families members, together with closed friends around. Both of us had get the preparation ready over the weekends. We went around town to shop for gown, heels and Vin's attire... and of course the most challenging task was to get my stuffs. My gown was one of the earlier task that we had went all places to find a suitable one. After that, my heels was another tiring tries and I couldn't find a pair until the last weekend before our ROM. He wanted to make sure I have the most comfortable heels to walk around that day, I have the most carefree gown with my lovely hand bouquet and my simple yet elegant hair stlye... :-)

Vin's mama and his friends reached KL on saturday morning, a day before our ROM. We rented a house nearby for them to overnight. Aunty came to my house visited mummy and accompanied mummy almost for the whole day. Vin and his friends went out to get my hand bouquet of carla lilies. We ordered the bouquet a week before according to my requirement of how it being wrapped. Unfortunately, as it rained over the evening, my hand bouquet reached home turned yellowish. Due to carla lilies are so "missy"... Vin bought anoher 5 stalks to prepare for the worst. Who knows when the night comes, both the bouquet and the other 5 stalks were all turned down and yellowed. Vin quickly made a call to the florist and ordered another bouquet to be collected tommorow early in the morning. This time, with no choice, I opted for white roses instead to avoid any "emergency" again.

Early Sunday morning, I woke up at 6 in the morning, got myself ready to go over to the rented house to be dressed up. I had made an appointment with my hairstylist at 7am. He straightaway got my hair styled and clipped up. Very simple yet pretty with a hair band... my hair was done in just less than an hour. After that, Vin's turn to get his hair styled while Sis Fong hepled out with my make-up. This was the most tidious part, where my eyes got so sensitive of all the eye products. My eyes keep on tearing, they couldn't get the fake eyebrow sticks and the eye shadow was getting thinner and thinner... They had applied and re-appplied and re-applied for almost 3 times that had taken about more than 1 1/2 hours only on my make up.

While I had my make-up being done, Vin had went out with YC to collect my new hand bouquet of white roses. They reached BMV at about 9am but yet, I am still not done. KY reminded that time is coming to 930am already, we got to leave soonest. We picked up daddy from home and straightaway to BMV. Sis Fong will be fetching Ma and aunty later and we do not want her to wait too long. I reached BMV about 10am. All my ji muis reached, waiting for my arrival... :-D I had Leai, Sue Ann, Yvonne, Equan and Calice present.

Ma managed to attend my ROM happily... she reached the venue about 20 minutes later. We proceed to the ceremony once she reached. The ceremony started with lotsa our personal pro and semi-pro photographers taking photo shots... The Registrar read out the vows of marriage in front of both of us with pa and Vin's ma as witnesses. We exchanged rings and kissed each other... The simple ceremony ended with pictures taken together with the registrar and the new family members.

We had booked 2 tables for lunch at the Cheers Palace Restaurants. Everyone went for the luncheon as well as Ma... She came a lil' late as Sis Fong sent her home first after our ceremony. We do not want her to get tired and too excited... so, we asked her to get home first. She attended the luncheon almost to the last dish... we were all very happy to see her. After that, the luncheon ended around 3pm.

And that, we have marked a history... Vin and I, the husband and wife...

the 4th cycle of chemo...

The 4th cycle supposedly has scheduled on the 2nd Oct. Due to mummy's condition was extremely weak... she couldn't make it that day. After coming home from the 3rd one, she has been sleeping all days long for about more than 2 weeks. She has lost her appetite, she has lost her energy and even she has lost her ability to control on her motion... We have thought of means and ways to help her stimulates back the taste buds... but yet, she feels everything bitter.

On the 2nd Oct, we brought her back to hospital for the chemo, and as speculated, she is not fit for the theraphy that day. Blood test result came out that she was so weak to go through it... her blood count drops. For a normal person, they should have a 12 pints counts, for a chemo patient they should have a 8 pints counts. But mummy, had only 6. Doctor advises she has to take alot of protein to regain her energy and to raise the blood counts. But yet, when we thought of discharging her from the theraphy ward, doctor came by and told us mummy needed to be tranfused in 2 pints of blood, which every pint would takes about 3 - 4 hours.

Mummy has to be admitted into ward that night... We stayed and accompanied mum till late night. Vin and aunty brough dinner over. Pa stayed overnoght with ma in hospital and we went home at around 11pm. Things went on well, and she managed to come home the other day evening. The therapy has postponed to another week on 09.09.09. Hopefully, by that time, she able to recover better and is fits for the therapy...

Final payment

We have got the letter from developer SHL saying that the keys handover is ready.

YEAH !!! Vin & I went to SHL sales office at Sg Long yesterday, we paid RM 2,070 for the final payment. Appointment for keys handover and house inspection had made on next Saturday at 11:30am at Sg. Long.

After inspection, the simple reno would starts. We will not have any major one, just some moving in of cabinets in rooms & kitchen, plaster ceilings, lighting and paintings. Myself is targeting to get everything done by November. So that, things can be get in the house slowly and completing before CNY next year.

Yeah !!! I am getting excited ! I want a BBQ night just in front of MY HOUSE!!!

kekekeke... ;-P

I had a stressful week...

I dont understand why... I dont understand why everytime I am the one always got scolded when she got angry.

Sis WY came over this morning. I don't know what happened at first that mum scolded her downstairs. I went down and I listened. She just found an odd job somewhere near, yet the working hours are weird. She will only knock off at 2am after the shop closes. Thus, she wanna stays over night at our place, till morning she will goes home. For GOD sake, eveyone would knows, Pa will surely got angry with this, whatsmore Aunty will be coming over on and off to take care of mum. Mum asked me to duplicate our house keys to her... At first, I was reluctant but yet, can I not to do so?

I believe, she told Pa about it, and he straightaway objected seriously. Sis WY did not came over, not even a night. I knew, Pa & Ma must had argurments just because of her. Why couldn't she understands that we are now all worrying about her and yet she gets things to worry herself. She still wanna make herself carries burden that she is not able to...

The whole week, Ma not only did not talk to Pa. She even did not talk to me. Why? How could she did this to me? What have I did wrong? I called back home on Monday afternoon. She straightaway bombard me... WTF??!!!

Ven: Hello mummy, where are you?

Ma: Why do you care where am I? Is that important to you?

Ven: *blurred* I just wanna ask, do you cook tonight?

Ma: I only cook for myself. You guys settle yourself.

I was like, what did I do again? Just becouse of the stupid things and you treat me like this now? The whole week, she just treated everyone like enemies.

I really dont understand why. How come Sis WY would not use her brain each time... How come she would not thinks? Ma is now sick, and yet she still does stupid things and makes everyone suffers...

I wish you Enough !

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'.
'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' he said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone..' He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.' Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good- bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

To all my friends and loved ones, I wish you Enough !

My dress...

I have found my dress finally.

A dress that I will be wearing during my registration day and also for the dinner to be held in JB...

We have been walking around the whole Sunday, from one shopping complex to another shopping complex and I've finally bought it. We bought it from TANGS Pavilion and it costs RM 499.

the front pose...

the side pose...

Saturday, 25 July 2009

A busy saturday i had, with all scheduled marked as "DONE".

As announced to pa and ma that we will be going for ROM soon, we submitted our form to the Maha Vihara Buddhist temple today. We met the Uncle Lee there, being briefed that on 20.09.2009, there will be a lot of couples gonna registering themselves too. We got to be early, as the turn is serve as first come first serve basis and ceremony starting at 2pm...

After the form submission, we went to The Gardens to order our wedding bands. We walked in to Love & Co. Most of the sales person there had recognised our faces. The salesgirl that attended to us previously walked up to us, knowing which pairs that we have shorlisted, she took out and follows our eyes... We picked and choosed again, we tried again and we still got back the pair that we had last choosen the last time. The pair of wedding bands cost us RM 4,428.00... having some heart ache feeling, but yet it is "OUR" wedding bands representing the bond & commitment between us.

Later that, Vin said I gotto find a proper dress for the day and also to wear it on the dinner at JB. We walked from all shops in The Gardens to all shops in Mid Valley, yet I couldn't find one suitable. Terribly tired, I wanted to go home... Vin still dragged me into the MetroJaya. We walked and walked, finally found a dress that I liked so much. Tried it on, the size was one size bigger. There was a correct size but the it was a navy blue. We want it in white... Asked the sales assistance for a smaller size of the ivory color that I wanted, but don't have. We left our contact number to the sales girl. Hopefully when they found it and got the stocks re-order, they will call me...

mummy's hair trimming experience

Mummy's hairs starts dropping. It drops even more after the 2nd chemo. She wears surgical hair cap at home to prevent her hairs dropping everywhere... Sis Fong brought her to buy a wig last weekend. Comes home, she wears and she styles... Due to her hair falls unevenly, she looks a lil' unneat when we wears the wig.

So, I brought her to our usual hairstylist for a trim...

When we reached there, the 2 trainees asked mum who is she looking for... they saw her wearing cap & mask, giving mum a very "weird" eye contact. I faster followed her at the back, I said, "We are looking for B***y." They saw me... recognised me as the frequent customer, they open the door and call for the hairstylist. B saw us walking in, quickly approaches us and welcomed mummy by holding her to the nearest seat.

I would say, B is a very caring hairstylist and he really know how to take care of mummy. He teaches mummy how to take care of her scalp, to use only mild shampoo, how to clean the wig and so on. I appreciate his professionalism that makes mummy feel comfortably sitting there without a cap or wig...

After the first chemo

We brought mummy to hospital for the chemotherapy early in the Monday morning. All the way to the hospital, we were all quiet... myself having some kinda weird feelings, worrying the side effect that will happen to ma... I believed Pa and Ma were worrying about that too.

We went in to the day care ward at 8am sharp. Nurses started to do all the blood test and injections. Later then, ma needed to be dripped with 2 tubes of sodium monochloride, only then follows by the chemo medicine. The whole process took about whole day, Pa and I waited at the hospital, accompanying mummy.

Mummy came out from the ward at around 5pm, she was able to walk as normal, i suprised. The side effect was not hitting that much... she has no vomits, but she feels the drowsiness. Back home, she has the appetite during dinner time, even she took supper with a cup of hot milo with biscuits.

A day after that, the side effect started... Mummy started to feel vomiting during meals, she feels deep tired and lost of strengths. I see her always on bed and sleeping. Her volume of meals taken in reduces. Her appetite is bad...

Today, the 4th day after chemo. I see her improving. She feels like eating this morning. I called her just now, Aunty is bringing her out to have some noodles... :-)

... mummy's report

Lotsa people called up asking me how is mummy's report and what is the result...

The lymph nodes has been diagnosed as positive... It is a cancerous cells. Mummy will need to go for a 6 courses of chemotherapy, follows by the radiotherapy and then have to consume for 5 years of the hormones pills to totally beat the disease. The chemo, she will have to do it every 3 weeks once, depending on how well she could takes it.

Doctor says, if mummy able to take it well, and suffers not too much, she can proceed timely on the therapy. If she is not able to, the therapy will have to be prolonged, suiting her ability. Doctor mentioned also, she may vomits, she may feels dizziness or unconfortable after the therapy... She will loses appetite, feels plain and so forth.

The first session will starts on the 29th June.

HE hears my prayer...

Thank GOD... Mummy's report on the ultrasound screening showed everything is normal and there is no cancerous cells spreading in her internal organ. What a relieve to know that... the only thing to worry about now, specifically is only on her next report - the lymph nodes.

Doctor had once explained that, if the lymph nodes shows positive, it is very depending on which stage it is. If it is still at the very early stage, mummy still can avoid the chemo session. She can opt for oral medication.

Still praying hard...

26 May 09, 9:20am

Pa and ma went to hospital to get the biopsy report early in the morning. While I was on my way to work, mum called... "Are you driving now, Ven?" "Yes, called you back in a short while. I have no handsfree..." I called back, I sensed something not right... Mummy picked up the phone, and she told me she is admitting to hospital in the noon. Daddy will be accompanying her, asked me not to worry. From the report, mummy diagnosed with the breast cancer and she has to be operated soonest possible.

I hung up the phone and drove back to office calmly... As soon as I reached office, I called back asked if she wants a second opinion from one of our befriended doctor. As she explained over the phone, as per doctor, it is confirmed that the lump is a cancerous cells and she doesn't want to drag... I cried. Daddy called back telling me to be brave and strong yet I felt helpless and empty. Pa ma asked me not to tell anyone, as they afraid the news will frighthen everyone as it is such a sudden.

Till noon, I couldn't bottled up anymore... I knew need to inform Sis. I SMSed her during lunch time, she immediatly called back and asked. I cried again as I explained... I felt so painful inside, I felt so helpless, I do not what to do. My tears keeps falling down uncontrollably on my cheeks...


27 May 2009, 10:00am

Mummy called me from hospital telling me that she will be pushed in to the operation theater at 11am. I asked her not to worry, telling her I will be there went she is out from the operation. I packed my thinngs up in office, rushed back home meeting daddy, had a quick lunch and we headed to hospital rightaway. Reached there at the ward, at 3:10pm...

I headed to her room, no one inside... I walked out and asked around from the nurses, mummy was still in the opeartion theater. I was so worried... why it is takes so long? Doctor once mentioned that the ops will only takes 1 - 2 hours, but now 4 hours had past. Soon after we went into the waiting room, we over heard the nurses saying that a patient is being pushed back from the OT. Pa and I quickly followed them and waited, mummy is on the way back to ward.

She was still drowsy, until she complaint she was hungry at about 5:00pm. Doctor dropped by once before this and she is allowed to drink and eat if she feels to, as long as she does not feel vomitting if she drinks. So, I gave her a lil' bites of soft bread and a quarter cup of plain water. Doctor came back and checked on her conditions after that, found out that the wound was swollen, suspecting blood clotted inside. After some doctors' discussion, informing daddy about the seriousness, mummy has to be pushed in again for the second operation to remove the clotted blood soonest possible.

The risk - mummy ate and the possibility of getting chocked will happen and it will causes pneumonia. If a patient ate, she has to be fast for at least 6 - 8 hours to ensure her stomach is empty and all muscle and organs die-down...

6:30pm - No choice, we have to take the risk... Everyone was very worried looking at mummy's condition. She was transfered to the "ICU", given the assistance of oxygen to help her breath smoother. Nurses were busy preparing the packets of bloods and platelets. Machines monitoring her blood pressure and pulse... Pa, Sis, Vin and aunty were all here praying for mummy.

8:10pm - Mummy was being pushed in to the OT again. Expecting her to return to the ward at 10pm. We went out for a quick dinner. Everyone have no appettite and I felt not hungry at all. We rushed back to hospital and waited at the waiting room. Every single minute seems take so long. Mummy was still inside until 11pm, i began to worry and asked why it takes so long. Vin saw me could not sat still, I was walking around, peeping outside hoping that mummy is being pushed out. He came by my side, comforted me.

11:30pm - Mummy being pushed out, we followed her back to the ward. Nurses transfered her back to the bed. She fall asleeps. Daddy asked us to go home and he will be staying over to look after her. We raeched home at 1am, showered, getting stuffs ready for tomorrow and I slept at 2:30am. A long and tough battle day is over...



28 May 2009, 5am - Mummy's birthday

I woke up, bathed and Vin followed. We reached hospital at 6:30am, with myself having an uncertain thoughts, mixed feelings and mentally unrest. Vin was quiet all the way sending me to hospital, held my hand tightly... giving me strength. As we reached to the ward, I saw mummy sitting upright on the bed, waving outside looking for a nurse. I quickly went in and asked, "What do you want?" "You feel pain?"

"No dear, mummy wanna go bathroom... Daddy went downstairs for breakfast." I asked if she can walks, and she said yes. Thank GOD... I see her getting well this morning. She is getting better. I helped her to the bathroom and Pa came back. He said, "It's too early now. All cafeteria yet to open for business." Pa said whole night no complaint from mummy that she is pain or feel uncomfortable. She even came down from bed and washed her face in bathroom earlier. Seems like she is progressing well...

I accompanied mummy whole day in the hospital. Vin and aunty came by during lunch & dinner. Soon later in the evening, mummy has transferred back to the normal ward into her own room. Everyone feel more comfortable and easy. Mummy still looks tired, she still sleeps and resting on the bed.

For the following days, Pa and I took turns to stay back at the hospital to accompany mummy at night. Mummy got discharged from hospital on Sunday noon, she came home feeling blessed and happy. On and off, every two to three days, Pa got to send her back to hospital for check-ups and removal of the tubes that still attached on her body for discharge.

10 June 2009, 9:30am - Daddy's birthday

Today, Pa is sending her back to hospital again for the ultrasound on the abdoment checking. This is to ensure if the cancer cells has spread around and to take pre-caution early. They went out early in the morning, I have yet to call them to check on the result. I hope everything goes on well, no spreading and mummy will not have to suffer for the unnecessary.

Dear GOD, do you hear my prayers?

Please spare my mum from diseases and sufferings...

so long...

So long... I have not bumped myself into the blog again. Reading back all the posts, it seems i am only updating it every few months. 

I used to pen everything down since young into my diaries. Never did i know, that i actually have few books inside my drawer recorded all my histories. I only realised it when i trying hard to search back for an important date in my past, i flipped through all pages, i read through almost single words... then only i realised, i have actually grown up, i have been through a lot and that creates the "me" today. 

I was actually trying to locate back the very very first unofficial "date" with vin. I wanna to use for our registration date. But sad, i did not manage to find it. It is not written in my diary, i am curious why it did not penned down... Anyway, vin and i still discussing on this, trying to find a memorable date for both of us. 

We have confirmed our wedding day for the chinese wedding dinner & custom ceremony on the 23 May 2010. That would be exactly one year from today... 

Looking forward, we still have lots to plan and to decide. Getting marry is really not a 2 person thingy... byt its involved 2 families. Headache, headache, headache... but enjoying every moments of it...

*Hugs*