My frozen embryos

Last Saturday was the Day 3 after my eggs collection day. We were supposed to be informed or to get a call from the Embryologist from KL Fertility at about 2-4pm on how many embryos that are successful to be fertilized and frozen. 

The entire morning I was worried and I was so afraid to hear my phone rings. Hubby sensed something wrong with me and kept on asking was I alright. I just pretended that I am okay and kept quiet. I knew he saw me moody but I couldn't help that I was really afraid that none of the eggs were being fertilized. 

After our brunch, sitting at the dining table, hubby asked if we wanted to give a call to KLF. It was only about 12+pm. I told him that they will be calling around 2-4pm to inform. But then, in another way, I pushed my phone over to hubby and asked him to call. He knew I was afraid to make that call. In fact, I can sensed that he was anxious about it too. 

So, he called. The call was transferred to the Embryologist Dept and one of the embryologist answered the call. My name and IC number was given and she came back to us with the result. 

Total collected: 7 eggs

Total matured: 3 eggs

Total fertilized: 3

Total frozen: 2 embryos in Day 3

Total only 2 embryos are frozen. It made me relieved and also a lil' depressed. I am relieved that at least there are some lil embies to be able to transfer this cycle. 2 lil embies are suffice this cycle. I am a lil depressed as, IF the transfer is unsuccessful this round, I have no more frozen embies to get ready. I need to go through the whole process again starting from a Day 2 new cycle and most of all, another sum of money has to be spent again. 

I cried a little. Hubby cuddled me and asked me to think positively. He mentioned that 2 embies are better than none. At least we have 2 embies for this round. Who knows, we will successfully get pregnant. He said, we consider very lucky as only 7 eggs were retrieved and 2 has been frozen now. Some had retrieved 10+ eggs but yet also only 2 were frozen. He told me not to be greedy. We will just hope that these 2 embies will grow in my tummy and be a mummy soon. 

Pray, pray & pray...

I hope things will just goes on smoothly. Let's think positively!

The eggs collection day - 31 May 2017

I am all ready for the eggs collection this morning. I had started to fast since last night from 12am. There was no food and not even a sip of plain water. My procedure is scheduled to be start at 9:30am. Both hubby and I were way much earlier than that arrived at DC Mall. I knew hubby did not had a good sleep last night, he went up and down to the living hall whole night. 

We registered at the reception before 8:30am and were directed straight to the Recovery Area. I was asked to change with the robe, a locker to keep my clothes and settled myself on my Recovery Bed 3. I am the 3rd patients in that morning for the eggs collection. Hubby accompanied me until the nurse told him to get ready for his sperm collection. I was asked to sign a consent form, to check on my blood pressure, heart beat and allergies. 

Hubby came back to the Recovery Room about half an hour later and he joined me back when the anesthesiologist came to put the line for my on my right hand. The red band on my left hand indicated my allergic to Ponstan. 

Dr. Helena dropped by to check and confirm on my last injection. I responded that it was on the 29 May, 9:30pm. I was asked to empty my bladder before the procedure about 15 minutes before that. About 9:25am, nurses came and Dr. Helena was waiting in the OPU. I was being pushed in and I saw Dr. Prashant was around too. They confirmed my name and IC number, asked me to confirm the procedure that I am going to do and started to prepare me for the eggs collection procedure. 

Both my hands were put on my chest, the anesthesiologist had injected few solutions through the line she put in just now. A nurse get the the oxygen mask and asked to breath as usual. I knew from that time, I started to feel dizzy and just black out. 

I heard a voice of a nurse calling my name asked me to wake up. And she told me the procedure was done. The nurse telling me not to worry and will be pushing me back to my Recovery Bed. Then I heard a voice; hubby told me not to worry, asked me to sleep and everything will be okay. I felt a little discomfort, but couldn't describe what was it. I knew I was tearing non stop. Hubby wiped my tear and nurses thought that I was wanted to vomit.

Few of them came and checked on me if I was okay, blood pressure was check every 10 minutes. I do not know why, was it too emotional or was it painful, I just couldn't stop my tears. 

I opened my eyes, lights still seems dancing, couldn't catch hubby at the right position, I closed my eyes again. I am conscious but the anesthetic still made me blur. I asked hubby the time, he told me I was being pushed out at 10am but I glimpsed on his watch was 10:30am. He told me I was still sleeping when I was being pushed put, but I told him I was awake. I was not sure about the missing half an hour; and I have been asking and asking for few times. 

At about 11am, the nurse came and checked if I am okay. She asked if she can make me a cup of Milo by then. Hubby got me a cup of warm water and the nurse made me a cup of hot Milo with some biscuits. When I seems calmed down and stable, she asked me to change and will inform Dr. Helena to drop by. Dr. Helena informed that 7 eggs were collected and we will get informed about the fertilized eggs by Saturday (Day 3) or Tuesday (Day 6). Embryologist will inform us on how many successful embryos had survived. She asked me to come back for my next appointment to check on my polyps after my next cycle of period. An embryologist came as well, explained on the procedures they do and the charges of frozen embryos. 

Then we were ready to go home. I was given 2 tables of Celebrax of 400mg as pain killer. The nurse informed that I may feel the pain by evening and if I couldn't stand the pain take the Celebrax when necessary. Celebrax 400mg is high in dosage as I am allergic to Ponstan which is only 250mg. I was asked not to drive and straight head home to take enough rest. Dizziness still there especially in the car on the way home. I took a warm shower after lunch and head to bed for a nap. I felt bloated at my abdomen area and my breast were sore. 

Woke up at about 7pm and we were ready for dinner. That time, the pain kicked in badly. I felt I couldn't stand up straight, I don't know where was the pain, I felt my whole body was so tight that I felt totally uncomfortable. There was no right positions that I can feel comfortable. My back was pain, my stomach was pain, I feel pain even my ribs. I curled myself on the bed; I knew hubby was worried looking at my condition. He asked if I wanted to take the painkiller or he made me a warmer bag. I don't know where exactly the pain came from, I just want to have a right position to make me feel more comfortable. I dozed off when I got the right position and I survived without the painkiller.

I got up at about 7am this morning, feels better; at least I could stands up straight. 

Am ready for eggs collection

As scheduled, we were going back for the 3rd appointment on Monday morning. After the scan, I have 4 big follicles in my right ovary (18-20mm) and 3 on my left (13-18mm). Dr Helena mentioned that with this growth, am ready for eggs collection on Wednesday, 31/5/17. She hoped that she could be able to retrieve as many as she could as there are still some small follicles that wouldn't want to grow.

The follicles chart

Today, am given the last trigger shot - Ovidrel. This has to be taken at 9:30pm sharp tonight. Also, I have to take Augmentin antibiotics starting tomorrow, 2 tablets a day for day and night up to 5 days. The nurse informed that I need to be at the center at 8:30am on Wednesday morning for the procedure preparation and I will be put on sleep at 9:30am. Hubby would to be produce with sperm on the same morning as well. Also, I am to confirm that I am allergic to Ponstan and this has to be reminded to the anesthesiologist again on the procedure day.   

Ovidrel - the trigger shot to be taken 36 hours prior the procedure

Augmentin 625mg - an antibiotic to prevent infection

Some mixed feelings I had in me. Started to feel worry with the quality of the eggs. Started to feel sorry if things doesn't turns out good. 

Positive vibes, positive vibes... I needed so much. 

The 2nd appointment of IVF cycle

Last Friday, was the 2nd appointment of the IVF cycle which scheduled at the noon time. Hubby accompanied me to the Center as we will both later proceed for the acupuncture session after the appointment. As usual, the waiting time at the KLF is long, my appointment was at 2:30pm and was only called in to see Dr. Helena at about 3:40pm. This appointment was just a normal scan to check on the growth of follicles.

On my Day 6, I had 4 growing follicles on my right ovary and only 2 on my left. The numbers of the follicles were in borderline; quantity was not that good. However, Dr recommended to continue as the sizes were growing rapidly. Left ones around 12-14mm and right about 10-12mm. All of us hoped, that the quality would be good once retrieved. I am quite saddened deep down with the low quantity. I knew, hubby has the same thoughts as well. Both of us didn't talked much about it, but he kept encouraging me that things gonna be fine.

I started the Orgalutran today. The nurse demonstrated how it is to be done for the first time. This injection was abit painful compared to the previous two. The soreness lasted for about half and hour; come and go. The Orgalutran has to be injected at the same time every morning for 3 days till my next appointment on Monday morning. The Gonal-F has finished but to continue with Menupor at the same time every night with 150iu.

Injections to carry on:
- Orgalutran 0.25mg every morning
- Menupor 150iu every night

Orgalutran 0.25mg

As per Dr. Helena, since the follicles sizes are growing quite fast, the eggs collection may be done on Wednesday on my Day 11. After all things settled, another RM6,000 payment made today.

All I hope is to be able to have some good quality of follicles to be fertilized. Am worry with the low amount; I do not able to have some good numbers of embryo to be freezed.

2nd FSH injections at home

Hubby helped with the injections at home last night. The nurse mentioned that we must to take the injections at the same time every night before 10pm. The Gonal-F was fine but the Menopur was a bit painful for me. 

Some side effects of the FSH injections are like nausea, headache, bloated, sore throat, abdominal pain and mood swings. The nurse explained that all these are normal if I ever feel that. As I had went through 2 IUIs before, I understand and I am prepared this round. Previously during my IUIs, my stomach bloated, I had headache and my mood was terribly interrupted. I was so emotional; I got heat up so easily and I cried so hard both the cycles. 

For this time round, I told myself that I am ready for it. The first injections I had at the Centre on Monday, I felt a little nausea while am on the way back home. The nauseousness went off after I had a warm shower once I reached home. 

Last night, after the 2nd injections I felt back pain the entire night till I couldn't sleep well. I got up every hour until I felt hungry at about 4am. I made a cup of hot milo and went back to bed at about 430am. I am lucky that I am not working anymore now. I could have more sleeps in the day time. 

Oh ya, some daily medications schedule nowadays: 

- after breakfast: Xi Fertility Chinese herbs

- after lunch: Fish Oil, Folic Acid, Protexin Probitics

- after dinner: Xi Fertility Chinese herbs

- before bed: FSH injections

I do take some nuts and seeds daily. It says it helps in the IVF diet; I have:

- 3/4pcs of Brazil nuts daily

- a grasp of sunflower seed

- some dried raisins and cranberries

Am not really sure how much it does helps with all these. Since there's no harm, so I'll just try.  

The IVF

I had some spotting on the Saturday morning and that I knew my period is coming soon. As per the explanation by the nurse in KL Fertility, I need to go back on my Day 2 or Day 3 period for a scan in order to confirm if I can start my IVF cycle. Since the spotting is on Saturday, I quickly made an appointment for Monday morning. The normal bleeding was only came on the evening on Saturday and that made my Day 1 is on Sunday. 

Hubby and I arrived at the KLF as early as 8:30 am  on that Monday morning. The reception that picked up my call informed that I need to do some blood test in the morning before seeing Dr. Helena. When we reached there, it seems like there were some system error with their newly installed queuing system, my name was not recorded for that day appointment but was remarked that I am coming to start my cycle. The receptionist put my in queue straightaway and my number was called to Dr. Helena's room short after that. 

Dr. Helena always gives me a positive impression that she always carries a big smile on her face. She greeted us and took out the insulin report and semen analysis we did the other day. Mine was fine but hubby's analysis was not that good this time round. I was surprised as this while hubby's report were fine. But she mentioned that it's fine, we may consider for ICSI for a higher chance of successful rate. 

I went on the bed and she scan on me. I have 7 follicles on my left ovary and 6 on my right. She said it was a good number to start of but the follicles are not that robust to be seen. But she assured me that if the blood test result shows fine, than we are good to start the IVF this cycle.

Came out from her room, my number was called again for the blood test and we were told that the result will be ready by 1pm. We were asked to come back by then. Since it was only 10+am, we when out from DC Mall and went to Mid Valley for window shopping. We went back at about 12:30pm and waited till 3pm. I am sure the queuing system went haywire again as those who came later that me has been called and left. I went to the registration counter to check on my turn and they informed I am already in the queue. Finally my number was called at about 3pm. The nurse informed that we are able to start the IVF treatment this cycle. She explained on the injections that needed to be done and the dosage to be taken. All medications and injections to be given to me in a cooler bag. 

I have the followings for 4 days: 
Day 2: 150iu of Menopur + 300iu of Gonal-F
Day 3: 150iu of Menopur + 300iu of Gonal-F
Day 4: 150iu of Menopur + 150iu of Gonal-F
Day 5: 150iu of Menopur + 150iu of Gonal-F

Menopur injection in syringe with solution in a small bottle

Gonal-F injection in a pen

Consent forms and injection schedule

The nurse demonstrated the first injections and we were to do it ourselves at home after that. She informed that the time of injections has to be the same daily and to mark down it on the schedule given.  

The package cost RM17,650 for only the IVF alone. 

- 1st payment of RM6,000 + RM100 (refundable deposit for cooler bag) made today

- 2nd payment of RM6,000 on the next visit

- balance will be made before the eggs collection day

There will be an additional of RM1,600 for ICSI and RM600 for thawing fees as we are going for the frozen embryos transfer (FET). 

After all these things settled at KLF, we went to Xi Fertility at the other side for acupuncture. This time round, hubby followed as to hope it would increases the performance of his little brother. It was a tiring day for both of us that day. We went out from home at 7 in the morning and reached home at the same time, 7 in the evening. 

I'm back in another stage of life

Never realized that this blog has been abandoned for such a long time. Re-read all the posts that has been wrote and I feel like it was like yesterday that all had happened. 

Almost 6 years past, am now venturing towards another stage of life. All the previous hatred has changed. We are now in a happier path and time is all needed throughout the journey of acceptance and heal.

Leaving the past stories aside, let's talk about now...

I have had left my job of a decade built. It has been almost 3 months now that I am staying at home since my last day at work on 7th March 2017. The decision of leaving was hard and it has took me really a lot of courage to do so. There were many reasons of quitting; stress at work, nonrecognition from the management, office politics and most of all, our family planning. 

Hubby and I has been trying for quite sometime, but luck and baby dust are always not on our side. Hence, we hope with the decision of quitting my job would gives us a better chance with less stress and less worry. 

Some stages of our trying to conceive: 
May 2010: got married

mid 2013: started to plan for baby, had some preliminary check with gynecologist at Columbia Asia Cheras. Doctor advised to try naturally for sometime first. 

2013-2014: been trying to conceive naturally

Mar 2015: seek for TCM assistance for about 4 months (with Chinese herbs medication)

Jun 2015: started first IUI at Prince Court under Dr. Paul Tay supervision; failed

Aug 2015: second IUI at Prince Court; failed as well

Sep 2015: infected with vaginal infection; Candida Albicans; treated with some antibiotics medication and vagina pessary from Prince Court

end Sep 2015: infection continues; seek for 2nd opinion from KL Fertility under Dr. Helena Lim; treated with Pro-biotics medications

early Nov 2015: follow-up consultation at KL Fertility; found a 14mm polyps in my uterus

Dec 2015: Polyps removal at Pantai Hospital KL under Dr. Helena's care

2016: vaginal infection keeps on disturbing now and then. Hubby and I have no choice but to put on hold the TTC plan until I feel comfortable to continue.

Jan 2017: Hubby and I decided to continue our journey with IVF at KL Fertility. 

mid Mar 2017: started my first acupuncture treatment (in weekly basis) at Xi Fertility together with Chinese herbs medication daily; under Dr. Yuan Ting supervision. She advised that she required few cycles to monitor my situation in order to start my IVF treatment. 

Apr 2017: appointment with Dr. Helena again to initiate the IVF plan and scan; found another polyps growth that needed to be removed 

My heart went down totally when I got to know there's another polyps growth in me. I felt lost and worried. All in my plan now is to get an IVF treatment but yet there's another polyps that needed to be removed. From Dr. Helena's explanation, I have no choice but to go for the frozen embryos transfer.

I have just started my IVF treatment yesterday with the first injections. Will explain more in my next post. 

Positive vibes I needed so much!

With pa at home

I was alone with pa at home that night. We were meeting a lawyer - Vin's ex -schoolmate, settling for mum's belongings.

We were discussing at the living hall, talking about a lot of things... Finally pa voiced out about Ms. K's presence. He asked me about my opinion about their relationship.

At that moment, I have had told him frankly that I don't like it. I told him that I feel disappointed with him on what he had done to me and how he had handled the whole situation was ridiculous. I cried out. I told everything that had bottled up in my heart all this while. I told him that I am not accepting their relationship and the way he makes her presence felt was so hurt to me. I confronted him why he wanted to make everyone feels her presence, why he would wanted to bring her along to any family occasion and relatives' dinner. I made known to him that I hate the way how he had manage the whole situation. I blamed him on making me feel hurtful, making me feel embarrassed in front of closed friends and making me feel disrespect as a daughter. He is not putting his shoes on mind, he is not trying to understand my feeling...

I was so harsh that evening. I have make myself clear that I couldn't accept their relationship now. And I have made known to pa, that please do not try to do funny things in front of me again like bringing this Ms K along to wherever the family gathering or whatsoever with my presence. I told me that I will need to to heal as well to accept. I even told pa that I regretted so much on my decision to go back Guangzhou with him. I even told him that I am thinking of forgo the flight tickets and stay back in KL. I would rather waste off the money than putting myself in such a difficult situation, not knowing how sad and painful it would be in the few days trip.

Pa was so shock knowing my intention. Pa was tearing listening to me. Now, only he knew how painful he had made me. He apologized and he asked for forgiveness. He is giving me time to accept and he promised that he would not force me or trying to be pushy anymore. He knew that his aggressiveness had me build up a wall between us. He is sorry and he hugged me... He promised that he would ask my opinion in future, if to bring Ms K along in any occasion with my presence. He would not put me in the embarrassment and he said sorry again...

I do not know, if my confession is painful to pa... But i feel a lot more lighter now. As least, I have no more nightmares about this lady anymore. I am not dreaming on how she breaks my family anymore.

This confession maybe painful to pa, I am sorry. But dad, I need more time...

why so...?

A week past and Vin is coming back today. He just smsed telling that he is boarding on plane at 0845. Calculating on the time and flight should be arriving KLIA at 4pm.

I was awake early this morning, over heard pa leaving the house at 645am. I woke up and realized he went back with his belongings dy. The mattresses were folded back and the bed sheets were taken off. His toiletries was all taken back. For the past one week, pa was here at night accompanying me. Sad to say, he was here everyday with Ms. K without failed. On the first two nights, he still called and asked me about dinner together. Ms. K even cooked a dinner at home and bring it over to eat together on Tuesday night. After that night, I was telling pa that I can settled dinner myself and let them settled themselves as well. I think he knew what I meant. I don't like to have Ms. K over.

I know pa has got a lil' angry with me on my attitude towards Ms. K. I always keep myself alone in the room whenever they arrived. I sensed it, pa is coming over is just because he had promised Vin that... I just don't know why... If he knows that I am having this reaction, why can't he just comes alone. Why must he tagging along with the lady? I know, I know Ms. K is taking good care of pa, but... that is their problem. She takes good care of him, doesn't mean that I have to accept her as part of my family. She is no one to me, she is just a stranger that I always tell myself to keep a distance of.

Even so, Ms. K is trying to be nice and understanding. I could sensed that she is trying to be nice with me. But I am so sorry that I couldn't accept you at this moment. Mummy is still so fresh in my mind. Mummy is still part of my life at this point of time. I still think, how good it would be if she is still around during Vin's this business trip... I would be able to go home having mummy's home cooked food.

Now, I started to regret. Regretting of going back to Guangzhou with pa during this coming CNY. Pa is bringing Ms. K along as well... and I can foresee how painful my trip would be... I just don't understand, why I never see pa was doing this good to ma before?

I am feeling hurtful

A feeling of loneliness in my last post... was happened on the day I first met her. My first impression I had on her during the unexpected met up was "You better stay away and don't try to get closer with me." I was back home for the ghost month prayers for mummy actually that night. Vin was not with me as he has to stay back at home to accompany my mum-in-law. I was alone waiting at Taynton, waiting for pa to come home and we'll go for the prayers together. Never did I expected, he was coming back with a lady. She is the so-called gf, Ms. K. During the night of prayers, I was all alone sitting at a side, pretending that I didn't see them and I was pretending so busy with my phone... where at that moment, my mind was totally blank and my heart was aching painfully. I was holding back my tears so painfully carrying mummy's altar with me following those elders for the prayers. Although pa was following me, I see eye contact of him with Ms. K was so irritating. I hate him...

Later that night, Vin came and fetch me home. He sensed something was wrong and he knew I was struggling with my emotions whole night. Inside the car, I was so quiet... my tears dropped. Back home, I straightaway run in to the bathroom and had a long cold shower. I went up to bed alone after that. Vin came up soon later, he was like knowing that I am deeply hurt. He held me back, cuddled me and I cried. I was so sad, I was so hurt and I am not believing this had happened. My pa, a loving husband and a responsible father I had all these years... he had ruined his good reputation all this while tonight. Mum have not even left us for a year, my pa is getting a new gf. I hate him and hate him.

Mid-autumn festival was the second time we met. Pa called me early in the morning, asking me back home for dinner. He said Ms. K will be preparing the dinner at home. Reluctantly, I went home with Vin. I went home much earlier, I do not want my mum's kitchen to be conquered by another women. I wanted to let her know, although mum is not around, the lady of the house is still around, that is me. I prepared most of the things and making her knows that she is only a guest of the night.

Mummy's anniversary was on the 9th Oct, am glad that pa still remembered that and he called to arrange the prayers at Nirvana. He brought some flowers and fruits, telling that it was bought by Ms. K for mummy. I know he is trying to tie us closer, but the more he does, the hatred I feel. I seldom going back home nowadays after knowing the existence of Ms. K. On and off, when I drop by Taynton, she is there at home with pa. This makes me feel uncomfortable going home, to the extend I am scared to meet them at home...

This few days, Vin is away to Beijing for a business trip. Vin will be coming back in a week, he told pa and asked him to stay over just to accompany me. At first, when he suggested this, I was reluctant and disagree. But to make him feel more relieve and not to worry so much of me, I give in. Pa came with Ms. K every night. They stay over together. I feel so uneasy with their presence at home. When they are at the living hall, I went up in my room. I watch movie myself alone. I have so limited communications with them, making myself a stranger even to pa. Today, is only the second day... Am struggling and how I am gonna go through the whole week...

A feeling of lonely

Thanks all...

Never did I thought of, that there are lots of people out there are actually taking care and observing silently over my day to day agenda... :)

After the last post, I received concerns over via the pages, via SMSes and some even called to check if I am alright. Thanks, guys... to whom they know who they are, I appreciate your concerns and I am fine. Life still carry on, I am still the usual me...

After 7 months long... I still tear when I'm back

I have not been coming back here for quite some time. I have always wanted to update my blog, and yet... it was always a thought that kept in mind but didn't realized till today.

Do not know why, i feel a lil' scare to come back here, I am afraid of reading back my posts, some time back... The posts that I have written on mummy's progress is actually sunken me down still, my tears would drops uncontrollably every time when i read it back. I was alone again at home last night, reading some of the blogs that i used to read... it reminds me of mine actually. Once again, I went through my posts and I cried. I still misses mummy so much... I have never thought that she would leave me so soon.

Well, incident had happened, that was past. So many people had open up their eyes, not believing the "me" today, had grown up, independently and maturely handling all craps that happened.

On the bright side, me too feel, I'm grown up. Along this MIA of time, I have went through a lot. Since mummy passed away, I am busy like bee. We had started our new house renovation soon after settled mummy's funeral. It seems, Vin wanna keep me busy and hope that would minimize my lonely time thinking of mum. We have been terribly tensed up during our reno period, as we wanted everything to settle by CNY 2010. Both of us were working non stop over the clock. We were chasing with time every weekends, and even every evening after work. Luckily, things were really as smooth as we hoped, we managed to move in on the eve of CNY 2010.

Soon after we moved in, we planned on our wedding ceremony. During the process, there were hiccups and disagreements... that's really made me think through how important mummy's role in life. I had always tell, i am so regret that mummy is not around me at that point of time. But fortunately, I have a very understanding and a caring hubby by my side. He is a bonus to me, he seems to understand my situation, he was so sweet that he would always make a step behind to compromise.

My wedding on the 23 May 2010 at The Golden Dragonboat was a successful event, I would say. Lots of invitees had opened up their eyes. Relatives compliments and they changed their perception that I am no longer the daddy's girl. Both Vin and myself had managed the 75 tables of events very well. The programs of the night run smoothly as per scheduled. Thanked to all the best men and bridesmaid of their hard work and commitment for the whole day and night.

Then, Vin and I had a short trip to Avilion PD soon after the wedding. We spent a 4D3N relaxing trip romantically. After the trip, I have got back to work as usual and the norm carry on. One thing different, is that both of us feel, we are so free nowadays. Maybe due to we had a hard time for the past one year, ever since mummy diagnosed with the sickness till she passed away, we continued with the house reno and wedding planning that ended all in May... an exactly "eventful" year.

I am married today. I am staying with my hubby at our lil' cosy love nest. Learning how to become an understanding wife, a responsible daughter and a patience daughter-in-law. Not to say that I am not having a good relationship with my "new" family members, but this is the way of life, I assume. I learn cooking, I learning taking care of the house chores of two houses, I learn to boil soup for both my men and I learn daughter-in-law-ing.

Till date, I enjoy what I am doing now. Although, my hubby is always late from work and I have to be at home alone... I learn to accept and be patience.

Everyone has left the office now. I am alone again, waiting for Vin to leave his office. Raining outside and I can see the traffic is terrible. Am thinking, what's for dinner tonight?

Hmmm...

Helpless me

"Remember when we were 5-6 years old, when we were sick and vomited and all we can do is just stood there and cry for mummy? I’m in this situation today. I was walking to my room, suddenly I vomited uncontrollably and dirtied the whole floor. I feel very helpless at that moment. Besides keep calling for mummy, I really dunno what to do. Another 11 times of radiotherapy and 2 times of chemotherapy to go. For the next 2 weeks, I will be in such terrible condition.

My gums are very swollen and painful. Starting from today, I couldn’t brush my teeth anymore. And I lose more weight. Another 1kg gone. My wound is inflamed and infected. I stay back in the hospital after I finished my radiotherapy to wash my wound.

Mothers, they are just so great aren’t they? Whenever you feel pain, sorrow, mum will always be the one there for you. I want to be a mum too. After this cancer thing, it makes me realise, a girl no matter how still need a family, need a husband to protect and love her. This is where she truly belongs. So what if I will become a rich successful career woman one day? When I go home, I will still feel my life very empty.

I want to get married, be a housewife and have children. Being able to wake up by his side every morning is a blessing to me. Cook a simple american breakfast for my husband and my children then send them off to school. Happiness is just that simple.

Cancer is actually nothing. But the process of overcoming cancer is very suffering. Treasure your health and protect people around you. There was a new patient last week for chemotherapy. A young malay man around 28-29 years old I think. He’s married with a small child. He got nose cancer and the reason he got cancer is he smokes 2 big packs of cigarretes a day since his early teenage years. Value your life people! I dont understand why human are so stubborn. They know smoking, drinking, eat fastfood will cause cancer and yet they still continue doing it. When will people learn to love themselves I wonder?"

I got this article from one of the blog I read. She herself a cancer victim and she survived for more than 2 years now. Such a brave and tough girl I have in thought, she is...

I post this writing here... just because i feel so helpless now. But all I can do now, is just to cry to myself silently while typing this. How I wish mummy is here, by my side... so that I can tell her how sad I am now and how fear I am now. I really know, I really learnt... being a mummy of mine, she was so great. No matter how sorrow the situations she had faced, she was calm and steady. Not like me now, I just know how to tears... trying to hide and avoid.

I miss you...

... it has been almost a month since mummy left us. Everything is still so fresh in my mind. Everything just like had happened few days ago. People still calls and asks... My answer to all concerns was, "No worries, im okay", "No problem, i can manage..." It seems so easy for me to say so, I thought I am really okay, and I thought I can really handle...

Today, I am alone at home. I totally have nothing in mind on what to do. I supposed, I have enough time to prepare a simple dinner at home... I was hungry and I supposed to get some munch of biscuits while waiting... And yet, I did not do any of the "supposed". I do not know where my mind flew to... I do not know why I am sitting in front of my pc doing nothing... till my food cooked in cafe world got over-cooked a few rounds...

I took the lil' diary in front of me... I flipped through the pages, I saw mummy's car license and a photo of her slipped between the book cover. I looked at the picture, this faces is not the one I am thinking, is not the one I have in mind all this while. The one that I have in my thought, is the look that she was weak and she was thin. The one that she has loses all her hair, she was bald...

I began to get myself recall her faces when she was still healthy... when she was still energetic... It seems a lil' hard... a lil' difficult... I am afraid that one day, I couldn't remember her faces anymore. I am afraid that there will be a day, I need to look at the photos to help me recall...

I miss you, Mi...

it was just too sudden...

5 Oct 2009, 8am

Mummy supposedly going back to hospital for the 5th cycle of chemotherapy today. I sat at the dining table with her for the early breakfast. Aunty made ma some noodles, but she couldn't finish it as we can she she has no appetite that morning. Out of a sudden, I noticed her head yellowish under the light. Pa and aunty noticed that too...

Mummy was weak that morning, she looked very sleepy and tired. On the way to hospital, she laid herself down on the car seat and slept. Pa and I knew, there must be something wrong with her. We brought her to the Day Care Ward, nurses and doctors saw mummy and asked why she looked that weak... Only then I pulled down mummy's scarf, and I said, "Her head turn yellowish this morning. Is this shows something wrong?" The doctor got shocked and commented that this shouldn't be happened to jaundice as the chemo drugs that they are using has least infections towards the liver. They took mummy's blood for a test and while we were still waiting, mummy woke up and said she wanted some hot milo. I made her a cup of hot milo with a small lil' fruit tart. Around noon time, the blood test result shows that she was with the jaundice problem that she has to be admitted immediately. We sent her back to Ward 3B where she just got discharged from, the previous week on Wednesday. We couldn't get the single room of Room 27 that day, as all beds are full and had been utilized for most patients. Mummy were sent to a 4 bedded room with 2 Malay patients.

Mummy continued to sleep after she warded, Pa and I told her that we are going out for late lunch. She is still conscious and she said ok. We had a real quick lunch that day and rushed back. Pa went out to settle some of his work stuffs, I stayed on mummy's bed side to accompany her. I fed her with some hot milo after that. On and off, I gave her some sips of warm water. Suddenly, she woke up and said she wanted to go toilet, but by then, she is just so weak to stand and walk. I helped her to wake up, holding her body to stand. She couldn't wait and urinated with her pants on. I knew she felt bad... I knew she felt ashamed. I told, "No worry, mummy. I'll help you. No problem at all, mummy. I will change your pants for you." My tears dropped as I said... I knew this is not a good indication. I faster helped her walked to the bathroom, made her sat on the toilet seat and changed her pants. She was shivering there, she was already blurred minded that moment. I knew, cos as I said to her, she responded slow to me and sometimes she seemed couldn't got my say. After cleaning, I helped her to walk back to the bed and she continued sleeping.

Pa came back soon after that. Nurses came and pushed her with wheels chair to do ultrasound on her abdoment. She was so stressful and mummy did not allowed the medical officers to do the scanning. She moved, she pushed away their hands and she tried to wake up. Doctor asked us to go in to calm her down. We went in, we comforted her and accompanied her by her side while doctors doing the ultrasound. After finished, mummy trying to push her pants down. I know she wanted to urine again. I faster looked for the potty but couldn't find one at that Ultrasound room. We couldn't find any nurses to help, pa got frustrated, and told mummy, "Never mind, we will clean for you later. Just urines with the pants on..."

We pushed her back to the Ward after that, we cleaned her and let her rest on the bed. Soon after that, nurses came in again, and said wanna bring her down for X-ray. I was so pissed off... "Why just now go down didn't do it altogether? How can she be moved here and moved there? She is so so tired and restless..." The nurses also dunno how to answer and ask if mummy able to step down to the wheels chair again. I pissed off for the 2nd time, "How do you expect she to move down to the wheels chair now? Can't you all send her down by bed?" They know I am so pissed off and they agreed to moved her down by bed. At the X-ray room again, mummy did not c0orporate with the officers.

Once after the X-ray done, we faster went in to the room to accompany her. As expected, mummy had sat up on the bed wanted to come down by force. We did not know what she wants, we asked her... she did not reply, she only trying to come down by force. I know this shows she wanted to urine again. Pa faster went out and looked potty again. But she behaved so childishly, she wanted to come down even she knows she couldn't. I tried to make her understand, she did not get me. "Mummy, please don't like that. Mummy, you wait for a while. You stands it for a while." She couldn't understands me. I was so pain looking at her. I pushed her bed, she seemed to know that the bed is moving. She stopped. I continues to push the bed out, a nurse came and helped. She sat still on the bed. I hold her hand while I pushed. She became calmer then and once we reached the Ward, I faster helped her with the potty on bed.

We accompanied her at her bed side till the late evening. Vin came, followed by Aunty and Sis Fong. I told Sis that mummy's condition was bad... and this would not be easy this time. Her liver is malfunction as confirmed by doctor. I cried and I was worry. Pa went home for shower and he returned soon after that. As usual, Pa stayed overnight at the hospital to take care of mummy. We went home at about 11pm. I was tired but I couldn't sleep well.

6 Oct 2009, 9am.

I told pa last night that I will not going back to office today. I will go to see Dr. Nal for the MC. I reached the clinic half past 9am. I went in, and he asked, "Hi Ms. Lee, how can I help you? What happened to you this time?"... I sat in front of him, telling him I had gastric and shoulder pain. He asked again, "Is it pain or you feel bloated?" "Pain", I said. "You are so stressed, I can see. Tell me, what happened... Stress from work?" I shook my head... "Relationship?" I shook again. My eyes started to tear and I told him mum is in the hospital now. He got shocked and pulled his chair near me. Holding my hands, he asked me what happened. I know I was shivering that moment... I cried. I told him the whole story. He told me not to be sad and sent his regards to pa and ma. He asked me to call him of we needed any helps. He gave me 3 days of MC, knowing that I am the only child that I have to take care of mummy. I left the clinic and straightaway headed to hospital.

I reached hospital around 10am plus, i saw pa talking on the phone and he looked not right and Ma still sleeping. I went in the room, saw daddy's recorded down mummy's time of urines... almost every hour once. I knew, pa had not sleep for the whole night. Mummy got transfused with 2 pints of blood. Midnight one pint and when I was there, still half pint being tranfusing. I know pa looking at mummy tiring and worrying. Mummy did open her eyes once a while. I did fed her water and she still knows and responded. Due to mummy's respond seemed slow, doctor had schedule her to do the CT brain and Friday for CT scan on her abdonimal. Not long after that, nurses came and pushed her to the X-ray centre for CT brain. Mummy still couldn't let her mind rest, she tried to pull off all the wire that sticks on her head. She moved her body and so on. Those doctors gave up that she couldn't be scanned with her restless and anxiety conditions. Mummy being pushed up to the Ward again.

By noon, Vin bought us 2 packets of chicken rice each. Pa and I ate and Vin eat the porridge provided by hospital. Doctors rounding came right after our lunch. They suggested to give mummy an injection to let her sleeps for few hours in order to get the CT brain later in the evening. However, they will decide later once discussed with the specialist. They left without giving any confirmed answer... Pa asked the nurses again whether the single room (Room 27) is available now... They said yes and mummy can be transfered in once the room is cleaned. Vin and I quickly packed up and get ready. Once we transfered in to the single room, we can see mummy rest more comfortably there. We let her sleeps. Doctors and nurses came by also did not disturb her. They just talked with Pa and I at the foyer. They told us, they decided not to give her the injections as this will only worsen the liver problem. They will let her sleeps and calm down by herself so that she be able to has her mind not to get too excited.

I got home around 5pm. Had arranged with Aunty Moy that she wanted to visit mummy to wait at home. I showered and had maggi. Aunty packed and she is staying overnight with pa to look after mummy. We went back to the hospital again around 7pm. Vin was there and we asked pa to go home for a shower. Since both aunties were there, I asked pa not to hurry. Mummy did not wakes up. But she knows how to drink when we fed her. Meaning, she still response to us. When comes to urine, mummy did not showed anymore signs to us. We kept on changing her pants and the mini bed sheet for her almost every hour. Pa came back around 1030pm. We stayed for a while and left. I left my car in the hospital. Vin and I sent Aunty Moy home first. We reached home almost at 1am.

7 Oct 2009, 8:45am

Vin sent me to hospital early in the morning. I reached there, Aunty and Pa looked tired. I asked how was mummy last night. They told me, mummy cried for pain last night around 4am. Doctor injected her with some pain killers, only manahed to cool her down after 1 1/2 hour later. She sleeps from then till the time I reached, she never wakes up. When we fed her water also she did not swallowed this time. Aunty kept complaining that she felt so heart sick looking at mummy's condition. The way she behaved even made everyone sick and moody. She complaint to Sis Fong and Uncle Cheah. We have had no choice and do not want to wait anymore. Pa and I went down to look for Ms. Rohana. Unfortunately, she was in operation theater. Pa called to her mobile later, answered by her assistance. He left a message to her and requested her to return call. Ms. Rohana called back in a while and she promised that she will be visiting mummy soon.

Ms Rohana dropped by after about half an hour later. She called mummy but no response. Looking at mummy's condition she explained to us that they can do nothing but to depend on herself to let the liver return to its normal functionality. They can only help to drip in more fluids and antibiotics to help the liver flush out the toxic on its own. From the ultrasound and X-ray, she mentioned that no cancer cells has been spreading so far. So, it is not due to the cancer spreading. It is all because of the complication from the chemotherapy that effected to her liver failure. She explained, she will needs time to recover once the problem occurs in the liver. her tiredness and sleeping was due to the failure of the liver too.

Then I requested if they can arrange the CT brain and CT scan to be done soonest possible. She promised that she would try her best to arrange for that. Pa left for a while to settle some of his work. As promised, Ms Rohana managed to arrange for the CT brain. Mummy being pushed in for it while aunty and I waited outside. She kept on complaining that she did not sleeps for the whole night... she was having headache, she felt drowziness and so on. I was so sick to listen to all her complaints. I just kept quiet. I have had warned her at first before she insisted to stay overnight. I told her that she will not have the chance to sleep in hospital. Now, she complained and complained.

Mummy did not opened her eyes anymore. Pa came back around 3pm. I sent Aunty home after that. I have got myself prepared that I will be satying in the hospital that night to accompany pa to look after mummy. I know, to handle mummy alone is not easy for pa. Vin knocked off early and got home. I have packed my things and head back to hospital again. We packed some dinner to had it together with pa in the hospital. After that, we asked him to go home for shower. Bro Wei came after that. I knew, he got suprised to see mummy in such condition. He cried silently when I told mummy that Bro Wei was here to see her.

As usual, mummy urines and I need to clean and rub for her. I couldn't manage her by myself. I have no choice but to asked for Vin's help. Later then, Bro Wei helped too. Just after we finished on the cleaning, mummy urines again and again. She continues urines and wet, we continues cleaned and rubbed her almost every half an hour to 45minutes. Bro Wei and Vin advised me to let mummy had the pampers on instead of changing every half an hour. I said I dont want her to get soaked and it would cause bed sore sooner. Then they said, just to laid that on and not to stick it, that would not soaked. I requested for a pamper and I cut it nicely so that the corner part would not scracthes mummy's skin. Bro Wei left before daddy came back. Pa looked worried, I know. I told him I will go back to office tommorrow morning from hospital, Vin would be coming over to send me work.

Since then, Pa asked if Vin could be able to stay there as well. As looking at mummy's conditions she is not very well. Vin went home and packed some of his stuffs and returned at about 1am.

8 Oct 2009, 1am

Mummy breather seemed started to be difficult and hard. She was breathing using the mouth instead of the nose. We can see, she was having difficulty on breathing and we requested for the oxygen assistance from the doctor. I had a short nap while Pa and Vin monitoring mummy. I woke up at 3:30 am. Vin had a worried face. He suggested to fetch Aunty over to hospital just to standby. That time, I had myself prepared that something worst will gonna be happened soon. I know, mummy was trying hard now. I walked out from the room for a breather. I sat alone outside the ward. I cried to myself that I do not hope it would happen that soon. I am not ready to have no mummy around.

Pa came out and sat together with me. He told me to be strong. He said we need to have preparation now. We would need what to do next if something really happpens. We discussed and agreed upon ourselves. We went in to room. Vin said it would be better he go back now and to fetch Aunty here. I have told Pa that I would need to inform Uncles and Sis Fong they all once morning. Vin left hospital at around 5am, while Pa and I monitoring mummy in the hospital. They returned to hospital at around 6am plus. I had informed Sis Fong and asked to come over immediately. She reached around 7am plus. We all know, mummy's condition is not good now. Aunty began to call to uncles and Sis Fong informing Bro Wei to be over.

Once the sun rose, doctors came and nurses attended. Medical officers dropped by, officers from ICU visited. We were been informed that mummy needed to be transfered to ICU immediatly as she was so ill and she needs more supportive system to support her. Doctor told us, that she is now so ill, they would do their best but hope we could understand that they would only able to perform their very best. We know, they are hinting to us... that to get ourselves prepared for the worst... My heart dropped. My heart was so pain... I cried.

There were so many doctors and medical officers inside mummy's room now. They were getting mummy prepared to be transfered in to ICU. When she being pushed out from the room, I saw a lots of tubes have been inserted... and I saw a tube with black color fluid coming out from mummy's body. I asked, "What is this? Why it is like this color?" One of the nurses answered, "This is the urine... Looking at the color, your mum might has internal bleeding..." My heart sunken deeper now. I told myself while pushing mummy's bed, "You gotto be strong. You gotto let mummy know that you will know how to take care of yourself, you must not let her worry about you anymore..."

We waited outside at the waiting room while the doctors got mummy ready and have all the system set-up inside the ICU. Visitors are restricted only during the visitors hour and only 2 persons at one time. We waited for about 1 1/2 hours, it came to 12pm. I went to the entrance and press on the bell... I requested to go in as mummy's family member. They allowed us, but to see the doctor first. Pa, Vin, Sis Fong and I went in. The specialist-in-charge came over to see us, explained that mummy's condition is critical. All that they can do now is just to support her with the equipments... Mummy liver failed, internal bleeding on the stomach and the heart weakened. She got Pa and I signed various of forms... consent form that we acknowledged we were aware of any worst consequences to be happened. Then, she leaded us to mummy's bed.

I cried uncontrollaby looking at mummy being put in lots of tubes here and there and there were lots of monitors monitoring her. Heart beat was slow, blood pressure was low, she was yellowed and bloated. I called her, she was not responding... but i saw her weeps... My heart was so pain... Later then, uncle and aunty came in one by one. Doctors requested for our contact numbers so that they will call us just in case any changes on mummy. We left hospital after 2pm, we had quick lunch and back home for a rest. I woke up again at 5pm, showered and be prepared to head back to hospital with Pa, Vin and aunty. Mummy had not much improvement. Doctors tried to let us understand that they are doing their best. We just have to be prepared. We left and our dinner was tasteless... Every's strangers phone calls made me scared and worried. We slept early that night, as if we know we will had a tiring days tomorrow.

9 Oct 2009, 8am

We woke up early in the morning thinking of to source for some contacts for the worst preparation. We had our breakfast at Taman Desa and thought of heading to KL first. Right after Vin started the car engine, Pa got a call from hospital asking us to rush over immediatly. We knew, this will be the last... I called Sis Fong immediatly, told her to pick up aunty from home. Contacted Bro Wei that hospital called. We reached the 10 minutes before 10am. I walked so fast that I was so hurry and worried. Vin pull me back, tried to slow me down. He knew that I was panic that moment. He held my held tightly all the way to ICU. Once we reached, I saw inside mummy's room has a lot of nurses and doctors. The curtain was closed. I heard a lot of the beeping sound form the monitors. I was so scared, I was shivering.

A doctor came out and told us, mummy's heart beat had stopped once and they are doing the CPR to help her recover the beats. She may leave anytime and told us to be around. Pa had a last request that while mummy;s heart still beating, do let us to go in to have our last word to her. She at first refused as this is breaking the law. They would have to continue to do the CPR until the last breath not even to stop for a second. But they know and they understand, they excused themselves for few seconds. They let us go in, mummy blood pressure was at 24/10 that moment. I couldn't hold my tears... Vin hugged me tightly, Pa told mummy that he loves her... After that, the doctors and nurses came in again and continue their responsibilty.

They stopped and came out about 15 minutes later, and calmly they told us mummy had her last breath at 10.18am. I listened to them calmly this time but my tears dropped. They allowed us to go in to see her for the last chance... I went in, I hugged mummy tightly and I cried. She left me without a word to me... She left me before seeing me got married customarily. She left before getting in to my new house. She left with no goodbye to me...